Thursday, April 1, 2010

Aromatherapy Stinks

If this piece reeks, blame aromatherapy.

Specifically, you should complain to my wife. She's the one who bought this bottle of Focus Oil, which its New Zealand maker says is a blend of bergamot, lemon and cinnamon that should "promote clarity of thought."

The label also denotes the essential oil mix is "'energising.'" Please notice the manufacturer uses a Kiwi-fied spelling to show authenticity of the product's origin. It also puts the word in quotation marks to indicate its marketing team either is trying to be folksy or is letting you in on the joke.

aromatherapy-for-her Therefore, in the name of science and desperation to finish this post, I'm huffing these heady vapors like … uh … like … um -- (SNORRRRRRRRRRT … ahhh) -- like Tommy Chong at a marijuana farm brushfire.

Whoa. Duuuuuude! You see that?

Filling our home with scents other than Windex (the cleaning people), spilled beer (me) and the funk of the unwashed (the kids) falls squarely on my wife. The origins of her relentless burning of scented candles and warming bowls of liquefied salad seasons remain mysterious, though I can offer three guesses:

  • Her first whiff of our Labrador retriever fresh from the rain
  • An attempt to delay the changing one of the kids' diapers until I showed up
  • Five-bean chili night

Whatever. All I know is nowadays the rest of us have to live with the stench.

Yes, I said stench.

The occasional hit of lavender at the spa, in a bubble bath or on a laced-trimmed silken negligee as it mingles with a warm summer breeze rising with the musky essence of her … umm … uh … wait … (SNEEEEENX SNORT SNORRRRRRT … brrrbrrrbrrr) -- is heavenly.

But most every weekend, My Love pours another vial of Lavendula phewitreeksalotis or something into a porcelain cup on the kitchen counter and shoves a lit tea candle under it to smolder. For 16 hours straight.

When the wind's right and the windows are open, our neighbors must think we were running a renegade potpourri lab out of our house. The overwhelming fumes makes a guy want to head outdoors for fresh-air activities like picking up a week's worth of doggie doo.

Hold the phone.

That sneaky woman o’ mine!

donut-candle I'm not saying there isn't any sense in scents. Smell gives us the ability to taste beyond the tongue's basics of sweet, sour, bitter, salty and the all-powerful savory (think: grillllled meeeeat). Studies have shown scents to be a more powerful memory trigger than sight or sound. And no one can ignore several findings over the years by the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago that nothing gets a man's blood flowing -- you know, down there -- like the universally sexy, sensual aroma of pumpkin pie, doughnuts and licorice. (Obviously, Coco Chanel and Donna Karan aced marketing in school but flunked chemistry.)

Face it, too much of even a good smell can be bad thing. For example, back when I worked for a national homebuilder during the boom years, our salespeople would run a bread maker or a miniature cookie oven in the model homes to create a cozy, inviting atmosphere that would entice buyers. Look where that got us.

Home mortgage crisis!

Wall Street meltdown!

Unemployed communications professionals overusing exclamation points!

Hold it. Do you smell that?

It smells like … (SNUKUKUKUKX sniff sniff SNIIIIIICKERS) "the end."

Technorati Tags: ,,


  1. what's that SMELL!?


    Aloha from Hawaii my Friend!

    Comfort Spiral

  2. Lavendula phewitreeksalotis. Whoa. Duuuude! I laughed til I cried.

  3. I dislike the smell of burning floral odors in my home. But chocolate cherry pie surprise is a "delite!"

  4. I love that type of stuff. I have Wallflowers in every room of my house and that doesn't seem like enough aromatherapy to me.

  5. I can't stand being overwhelmed with ANY scent for a long period of time. A hint here, a little there - I like. But too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing.

    And I think she's trying to get you out of the house.

  6. We've got a few of those glade things running through the house right now because it is on the market for when we have showings. I despise them.

  7. We use these little cakes or pucks or something. I don't remember what they are called. They smell pretty clean and sometimes pretty accurate. Both the dog and the kids have tried to eat them.

  8. With the unfortunate combination of an extraordinary sense of smell and severe allergies means absolute no scented nothing in our house, at least what we buy. The dogs still stink.

    Coming from my perspective, I'm pretty sure you're right about the correlation of baking bread/cookies and the mortgage meltdown.

  9. Too funny... in our house it is just the opposite, my HUBBY is the one who buys all the air fresheners and plugs them in all over the place.
    But he won't let me light a candle because they "leave black marks on the wall" - dammit!

  10. We actually knew that about aromatherapy, but did not want to tell anyone, because you make it humorous!

  11. For a hot night with The Hubby, forget the floral. I splash on a little Titleist eu de Toilette or Ping de Parfume. (Okay, now let the golfing double entendres begin.) Cautionary note: these scents have also been known to send guys to the driving range instead......

  12. I am sadly certain that no amount of olfactory assistance will cut the funk of sweaty boys from my house.

  13. You would hate it here, then.
    But your wife would LOVE it!

  14. There is one smell that I can't resist -- Christmas wreath. I was hankering for it one day in June last year so I went to the candle place at the mall. The lady behind the counter actually found on in the back room for me and sold it for 50% off. I was pleased :-)

    I do not, however, like potpourri (how do you spell that?) or that stuff that's supposed to smell like the ocean but really smells more like disinfectant.

  15. I think "Funk of the Unwashed" was either a sermon by St. Augustine, or a top ten hit by Parliament/Funkadelic.

    "ooo, that smell, can't you smell that smell!"

    And have you noticed that potpourri doesn't have pot in it? Or so I've heard.

  16. Very funny. Now I just hope my wife doesn't read it!

  17. Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.


REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.


My Uncool Past