Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I’m With the Band. Really.

“You need to have a little rhythm for this. I don’t know,” Adam said skeptically as he searched for second opinions and options with superior cleavage. “Does this guy look like has some rhythm?”

I nodded enthusiastically. Probably spastically. I undid a couple of buttons on my polo for good measure.

“OK,” he said, reluctantly pointing at me. “Go around there.”

Around I went. Up I climbed. There I stood.


My lower legs suddenly became shakier than an election year promise.

Here, you get to play this,” someone said.

The lights didn’t blind so much as they disoriented. Or maybe that was just the first Sierra Nevada kicking in.

At my feet stood My Love, smiling up in the second row. Or maybe that was just the third Sierra Nevada kicking in.

I’m in a movie in which the film had been flipped over on the reels. Left was right and right was left. My world had been inverted.

There may have been a count in.

1 … 2 … 1-

Back when this blog was in its infancy, I made a confession to the 16 of you who read it about my most secret desire.


Since I know most of you won’t click that link (though you might now because you feel guilty), I’ll repeat what I said back in June 2008:


“I have a new goal in life. Just once, in concert, I'd like to show off my rhythm egg skills on this song with the Fountains of Wayne folk. No harmonies will be attempted, just some shake 'n' bake. Trust me, I've got the wrist action down.”


Friends, on Oct. 7, 2010, at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City, I didn’t succeed.

First off, I played maraca, not rhythm egg.

Uncool shakes it to Hey Julie by Fountains of Wayne Bowery Ballroom

Second, I sang harmony.


Uncool sings Hey Julie by Fountains of Wayne Bowery Ballroom

Luckily for the audience, I’m certain our microphone had been turned off or waaaaaaaaaay down.

But aside from that, I think I pretty much nailed it.

(Look at the 0:40 second mark. I take a quick glance to my right and in a split second I realize: Mother Fletcher. I’m on STAGE! With FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE! Good Clapton -- this woman on the tambourine has less musical talent than Linda McCartney! This guy on my left is stiffer than George Michael in public restroom! TURN IT UP, UNCOOL! UP TO 11!)

Video: Hey Julie by Fountains of Wayne (Bowery Ballroom, NYC, Oct. 7, 2010)

After the concert, fame followed me. Down to the basement.

“Hey, you were on stage!” said the man behind the man behind another man behind 15 other men waiting to empty their beer-bulging bladders.

Another man behind him, who had six others behind him, agreed. “Yeah, you were on stage!”

“That I was,” I said. “Now, could I cut in front you guys?”


Next time, I’ll add “cutsies” into my contract rider.

* * *

My eternal thanks to icm65, whomever you are, for taking and posting this video; and to David McTiernan – college student by day, rockin’ keyboardist by night -- who graciously took these photos upon request when my camera battery died and My Love was too under the influence to operate her iPhone camera.

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  1. You might have to change your header now, dude. Very cool.

  2. Wait. I just watched the video. I think I heard you!

  3. HM - If you listen closely at the 1:35 mark, you might faintly hear me along with the cracking of plaster and shattering of glass.

  4. So this was the "solid" you so hinted about in your last post. And you know damn well I check every link you post for relevancy and accuracy.

    I know for a fact I heard your all grown-up Eddie Haskellesque voice chime in there. Off-key, but it was there. The looks you gave the ill-tempoed tambourinist and rhythmless dude were priceless. Even that far away, I could tell you were so frustrated to be among the lesser mortals.

    Why didn't the band have you over on their side of the stage where you so obviously belonged?

  5. I once exchanged emails with Chris Collingwood. And my secret dream? Has been to sing backing vocals for Paul McCartney. I am totally hooked on the Middle Eight song now. It's it very heavy rotation on my iPod!

  6. I know it's only rock and roll but I like it!!!

    Sharon has nothing on you. Way to go, dude!

  7. Ahh nothing like having your 15 seconds of fame come crashing down to Earth in the men's room. You're living the dream Mr. Tamborine man.

  8. That's pretty awesome. Is there a backstory on how this happened?

  9. Awesome!!
    That's some damn fine maraca/ non egg playing!!

    (The tambourine comment made me LOL!)

  10. AWESOME!! Your maraca makes the song.

  11. Somebody was nailing the harmony. I'm going to assume that was you.

  12. So cool!!!! You were singing to me!

  13. Simon LeBon was my first pretend superstar love. Later, I fell hard and made Michael Hutchence my second pretend love. Later still, I gave my heart to Bono, and until just two seconds ago when I watched that video, he's been mine in the longest lasting pretend (not at all creepy) superstar devotion.

    UNTIL NOW!! Now, it's all Uncool, all the time!

  14. Can I love this more because my name's in it???? Seriously, I need to remember where I leave my volume on my laptop. I clicked play and scared the cat right off the bed. :)


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My Uncool Past