Monday, October 18, 2010

Real Househusband Meets “Real Housewife of New Jersey,” Part 1

Since I never break from “Always Home” mode halfheartedly, the next few posts will feature Your Uncoolness out and about having fame, stardom and celebrity fall into his lap like a pole dancer with vertigo.

* * *

The Indian casinos in Connecticut have a special name for My Love: “Doubles Down in Vain.” This notoriety comes with certain perks, which the tribes tease us with every month or so through bright and shiny postcards that arrive in our mailbox.




Everything to get her and her debit card to their gaming tables short of a police-escorted limousine ride and lap dance from Denzel Washington. (Psst – the limo wouldn’t be necessary if you promised her the lap dance.)

Luckily, she limits these benders to two or three times a year which, thanks to the freebies heaped upon us, allows us to turn into our incurring gambling debt into educational family trips.

“Hey, kids – look!” I’ll yell into the back seat with unbridled Clark Griswoldian enthusiasm as we roll up to the resort. “See that new hotel tower? It cost $18.3 million to build. How many consecutive hands of blackjack, at $50 a hand with $2 tips given to the dealer every sixth hand, did your Mom lose to pay for that new tower?”

On one of these visits a few weekends back, we dropped the Things off at the all-night kids’ arcade (where, you should know, they don’t take kindly to hypothetical questions about what happens if you lose the cash you set aside for their child care fees to a tightwad Deuces Wild video poker machine) and we headed for our ritual last meal before she hit the tables and I hit the bar to try to break my record for “free” Newcastle Brown Ales downed while noodling through $20 worth of quarter Jacks or Better.

The antipasto had come and gone when three couples work their way into the corner booth diagonal from us. Two of the guys, who look like they had just spruced up after an afternoon of security duty at the local meth lab, clear a path for a woman with thick dark hair, towering stilettos and a short tight black dress that gave anyone seated nearby the chance search for yeast infections.

A few minutes pass and a young couple approaches the booth. He’s holding a point-and-shoot camera. The two Hell’s Angels poster boys climb out of their seats and Long Tan Woman in a Black Washcloth poses, hand on hip, for photos with the couple, together and separately.

My viewing of reality TV is limited, but I am regularly sucked into that celeb gossip fest Extra because it follows Katie Couric’s nightly ritual of failing to profess her deepest, darkest desire to grab a certain at-home dad by the love handles and ride him hard and put him away wet. This led me to guess aloud to My Love that the woman is one of the Real Housewives because:

  1. She has that "I need to be the center of attention" get-up on.
  2. She has a perfectly even tan during a prematurely cold New England October.
  3. She's too tall and coherent to be Snooki.

My dormant investigative journalism gene kicks in. I knock over my chair, very stealthily, bump into a few tables and cruise around the restaurant to find the couple who had their photo snapped with the woman.

“That’s Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey,” says the woman.


"Which one is she?" I ask.

"She's the crazy one," says the guy, looking into the camera’s display screen. “My God, she’s hooooooooooot!”

(I didn’t have a camera on me, but she looked pretty much as she does in this photo, but with longer, darker hair.) (And sluttier couture.)Danielle Staub Real Housewives of New Jersey

Hmm. My BlogHer bedmate, TwoBusy, writes about that show for an entertainment blog. I wonder if she’s the one he has a special nickname for.

I return to the table, grab My Love’s iPhone and fire up ye olde Twitter app.


Later that evening, I had my answer.

Will this real househusband meet up with this “real” Housewife?

If so, will he slip and call her PROSTITUTIONWHORE!?

If so, would she hold it against him (I hope not – I’m behind on my shots)?

Tune in later …


  1. You won't believe how hard I am praying that you called her ProstitutionWhore. Eagerly awaiting part two...

  2. Maybe saying "PW" for short would be safest.

    Wonder why she didn't just go to Atlantic City...didn't want to look like she was slummin' it, maybe?

  3. I saw those tweets and was so happy for you. Actually I was pretty damned pleased for TwoBusy since he now knows PW (not to be confused with PDub) by extension through you. That whole 6 degrees of separation thing is right cool.

    PS: I thought it was PROSTITUTEWHORE! too. Honest mistake.

  4. O.M.G. - New Jersey has the BEST housewives show!!!! I'm an addict of that series, although I have to say, not impressed with the Beverly Hills group.

    And it's most definitely, 'ProstitutionWhore,' coined by Theresa 'IsBitchBetter?' Guidice.

  5. Yeast infections!

    (cackling like a madman)

  6. Katie Couric? Hilarious. Those piecing blue eyes though . . .

    If you call he PROSTITUTIONWHORE, and she asks "what?" make sure you follow it up with "God Bless you."

    Wait, this whole thing already happened, right? I got sucked in.

    Can't wait for part 2.

  7. I feel the need to repeat "Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington." as my mantra today to cleanse the Yeast Infected PW image from my brain.

    Can't wait for Part Douche.

  8. Does someone at least follow her around with a can of Lysol?
    I don't watch those shows at all, but I hope no one got a yeast infection.

  9. Did you pull her hair (ar-ar-ar) and make her call you Daddyblogger?

  10. I saw that Twitter conversation and had no idea what the hell was going on. I'm glad I know now. I guess.

    If they have $5.00 minimum Pai-Gow at your local casino, you should get in on that action. You can play all night with a group of friends for an investment of like $50.00, and enjoy free cocktails without having to stare at the video screen.

  11. I've never watched any of the Real Housewives shows, so I'm kind of out of the loop when it comes to these, clearly, lovely ladies. So, I guess that leaves me with this - you really have a think for Katie Couric? Eh, it's OK. I can't knock it when I've been known to watch Brian Williams in slow motion a time or two.

  12. That woman is awful. Awful looking too.

    Gia got hooked on that show one weekend last month when Bravo was doing a marathon. I thought I was gonna die...

  13. Love the casinos... And for the record, I think I helped fund that new tower as well. :)

  14. I was worried at first that you actually watched the show. Glad to see you just have great intuitive powers.

  15. Wholly crap, I was worried. I thought I'd left ya alone for so long you started the slow death of brain rotting by actually watching this crap!

    In other news.. YOU were at BlogHer? How did I miss this? Oh, right, I was busy selling out. Won't let that happen again!

  16. If anyone's going to correct you on your RHONJ trivia, it's that TwoBusy guy.


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