Disaster always loomed nearby 11 years ago.
I chewed out my mother for meddling at the rehearsal. A rehearsal at which neither the priest nor the hotel manager bothered to attend.
Security kicked me and a groomsmen out for trying to bring cases of beer upstairs for the after-party. We ended up sneaking it in via duffle bags and borrowed luggage.
Twenty minutes before the ceremony, I was speeding across town in search of where the frick I left the marriage license. It was in the trunk of my old beige Accord the whole time.
The ring stuck on a knuckle halfway down your finger. The priest chided me for giving up too easily.
But we made it. Eleven years, eight jobs, four cars, three homes, two time zones, two dogs and two kids later. Can we take the night off?
My Love -- you are the Fiber One in the wide, yet shallow cereal bowl that is my existence and, now that I am 40, you know how important being regular is to me.
OK, that wasn't my best metaphor ever. But jeez, the Things are out of school now and just bouncing off the walls. Every five minutes, it's a new crime against humanity. He's bothering me, she's hitting me, I want to watch my show, I want to go to the pool, we're bored, can I have a snack, I want more Pokemon cards, she took my Pokemon cards, he won't let me look at his Pokemon cards, the bathroom smells funny, the dog took my Webkinz, what's a penis, and on and on and on.
Maybe you should just work late tonight, dear. It's definitely safer out there.
So let me try again. My Love -- there's one idiot in this village, and I guess it isn't you.
And now, a present. I know this isn't our actual wedding song, but I couldn't find a version of "Wake Up (Next to You)" on YouTube, even if it was Graham Parker's only hit single. So instead, I offer you another tune of his. It is one you rejected for the big day, but it holds a lot more meaning now.
So, next time you are far from home, as you so often are, remember:
When the world’s asleep and there’s no one in your arms,
Raindrops hit the window like distant alarms.
You don’t have to worry; hey, girl, don’t you cry.
My love beats adversity, baby -- eats it alive.
Happy anniversary. I love you.
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My Uncool Past
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