Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"Hey boy, you knew this day would come ..."

"What's that say?" asked Thing 1, dressed in her newest Hannah Montana outfit, pointing at the checkout counter magazine rack.

I had spotted it about 10 seconds earlier. I nearly flipped the issue over, but the former bag/bottle return/cart boy in me held back out of courtesy for my former union brothers and sisters.

"What's what say?"

"That … the one with Miley's picture on it."

Her 8-year-old index finger nearly touched the blaring yellow words.


Breathe, man, breathe!

Stay calm.

Be thankful, for once, she's still testing just shy of the "proficient" level in reading.

I have no issue with supermarket tabloids. I actually made a few pesos tipping off the National Enquirer, my rag of choice, back in my days of scouring the celebrity-strewn streets and backcountry of Greenwich, Conn.

I have no problems with the pictures she posed for in Vanity Fair. The controversy is total media hype, although the shot with her lounging in Dad's lap is pretty creepy and that is all Billy Ray working the wiggy factor there. He should know better.

I have no love for the squeaky clean pap of the Disney people. Give me some Bugs Bunny wit and violence any day. I feel watching Looney Tunes as a child (as well as reruns of "Gilligan's Island" and "Get Smart") prepared me well for my run in newspaper journalism, corporate communications and parenthood.

So, when Miley starts pulling a Britney/Lindsay/Jamie Lynn, parading around town drunk, panty-less and/or pregnant (or hanging publicly with one of those three or Paris Hilton), then I say it is open season. But her virginity vow? Sweet nibblets!

First, someone should have told the girl to say it is no one's business and shut up. She doesn't push sex on her show, in her concerts or songs. Trust me, I've witnessed them all. I regularly frighten My Love with the amount of Disney Radio lyrics I have acquired through satellite radio osmosis. (Proof: The title of this post comes from "G.N.O (Girls Night Out)" and, honest-to-Bob-Dylan, I didn't need to look it up.)

Second, the media should just leave it alone. I know the tabs are in the entertainment and gossip business, but is picking on a 15-year-old who otherwise seems on the level really in everyone's best interest? If anything, pick on Disney and her handlers for overexposing and overmarketing the kid.

Meanwhile, back at the checkout:

"Well," I said, "it says Miley made a commitment to do something and they want to know whether she is really going to keep it."



"Dad, can I get those little cinnamony round mints that Mom and I like?"

"Not a problem."


  1. There is something just a shade disturbing about your "virginity vow/sweet niblets" juxtaposition, although I can't quite put my finger on it.

    But you are totally spot on about the Billy Ray thing. That is just WAY creepy.

  2. I only work with the material I'm given.


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