Friday, August 15, 2008

The 7 Habits of Highly Uncool People

My view of all those "how to get your life together/succeed in business" self-help books is simple. They're all pretty lame.

Whether it's breaking all the rules by moving the good-to-great cheese from under your one-minute manager's brown nose or creating raving fans by continuously improving Six Sigma during your 4-hour work week, they all boil down to this:

Plan. Communicate. Connect. Do.

See. I saved you $23.98 on the latest management fad. Chew on that, Kenneth Blanchard, Ph. D.

This all leads me into today's post. Wendy of Notes from the Sleep Deprived has ducktaped me to my desk chair until I produce "7 weird and private things" about myself. Like there are any other kinds.

So here goes:

1. Maintain the mystery. Create new middle names and titles for yourself whenever fill out forms not requiring credit checks. My current nom de plume is Cornelius the Ravager. Tomorrow, I'm test driving Sh'neuqua, Queen of the Cuticle.

2. Defy gender roles. For example, whenever an airline has me fill out one of those cards looking for suggestions to improve their service, I always write in: "Shorts for the stewards. Some of those guys got legs!"

3. Screw unto others ... I reply to Nigerian bank account e-mail scams. In fact, I always ask them to call me so we can discuss their dire straits ... or even Mark Knopfler's spotty solo work. The fact the names and phone numbers I give them match those of former co-workers and bosses of mine -- just coincidence. (UPDATE: Shortly after I posted this, I got one of these e-mails, except now it is from Kuwait. This will be my gift to you -- here is the e-mail.)

4. Emote at will. I tear up at the sappiest movie crap. I mean, "Kit Kittredge" had my sinuses stuffy by the end. Same thing when Homer lets Bart hold in the bomb in "The Simpsons Movie."

5. Embrace the technology at hand ... I, like millions of teen boys in the day, stuck tin foil in the slots of the cable box in a vain attempt to get the Playboy Channel to unsquiggle itself on the screen. Today, all I can say is "Internet, you're so beautiful … like a high-class prostitute."

6. ... even if you don't really get it. I joined Twitter. I know, I know. I've railed against it before. I still will. But all the kids are doing it. I'm jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge next week. Don't worry, I plan to cushion my fall by landing on John Edwards' ego. That's what I call social justice, punk.

7. Impress others with useless knowledge. Not only do I still own the "Lenny and The Squigtones" on vinyl, I still know most of the words to the songs. This simultaneously frightens and endears me to My Love. But, c'mon - this where the Spinal Tap guys got started. And Peter Criss (yes, of Kiss) appears on the inner sleeve as drummer "Ming the Merciless."

So make it your habit to visit, register and give me a big goofy smiley face.


  1. You're pretty cool. Especially for a guy with Uncool in his name. Or is that a made up one, too?

  2. Quite possibly the only time I've ever read the blog of someone who commented on mine and signed up to his feed, his twitter feed and the feed of the other blog he writes on.
    You have made a good impression with the Guru.

  3. I love the Nigerian bank account idea. I'm going to have to try that some time.

    I just joined Twitter too. I don't know what to do with it or if I'm ever going to use it. I joined Tumblr a few months back and haven't been there since.

    Great blog! I signed up for your feed too (but not your Twitter feed).

  4. I imagine that you divulge all of these quirks to try and shake me off, but I have to tell you, Cornelius, I am so hot for you right now.

    Except for that part about tearing up at "Kitt Kittredge". That part made me a little uncomfortable.

  5. So glad you were able to recover from the 2 girls on 1 guy action previews that you could truly immerse yourself in the world of Kit Kittredge.

    Keep on tweeting - your updates crack me up.

  6. Starts X - It's on my birth certificate. Maybe.

    Freelance - Ah, the ruffi worked.

    Daddy Dan - Reread the post. I just got a Kuwaiti e-mail scam for you to use. And thanks.

    FADKOG - The only thing I want to shake is my booty for you, dear.

    CT Mom - I'm so vunerable. I'll Tweet just for you.

  7. "I'm jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge next week. Don't worry, I plan to cushion my fall by landing on John Edwards' ego. That's what I call social justice, punk."

    Quite awesome lines, man. Brought a much-needed grin to my mug.

  8. just wanted to say i love your blog title. "Almost Famous" is a favorite film in our house. "Get it together, man!"

  9. You should consider changing your name to "Always Home and So Cool."


    Great post!

  10. Sh'neuqua, Queen of the Cuticle

    Thanks for making me spit my badly needed coffee all over the laptop this morning! How much do I owe you if I borrow that name once in a while?

  11. Thanks for saving me some cash. I'm putting toward the Lenny and the Squigtones box set. I'd like to see Spinal Tap perform, but with Lenny and Count Rugen from Princess Bride.

  12. It never occured to me that Flight of the Concords was really just ripping Lenny and Squigy off...until now. Call the lawyers.

  13. Twitter is the coolest thing around. it's like when you were a kid and had walkie-talkies that picked up neighbors phone calls. You hear some of the strangest things. It's the weirdest thing I've ever signed up for, but I love it.

  14. Damn I totally forgot about that! Here's the bad news though. I rather like the idea of having you duct taped to an office chair... So I'm not letting you up yet. =) I followed you on Twitter. Better follow me back if you ever want to get out of that chair. lol

  15. You are habitually cool despite your made up name.

    Twitter is beyond my techno skills at this point.

    Love Flight of the Concordes...

  16. OK - I am finally caught up on your posts. And I am trying to work on #4. But I suck at the whole emotions thing. Must be because of my #2-age. I think I'm a teenage boy trapped in a 37-year old woman's body.

  17. Is there a photo of Criss? That is so cool.

  18. What makes you think only the boys were playing with the cable box for that nefarious reason??? Chicks need giggles too.

  19. I got an online casino e-mail right after I read your post. Coincidence. Somehow I don't think so.

    Here's what I received:

    Dear Winner,

    Congratulations to you, We have been trying to contact you. From the Ballot held few week ago by Worlds Best Online Casinos your email address has won for you the sum of 620,000 Pound Starling. To file for your claim, send us the bellow Details:

    Full Name:
    Winning Email:

    Once we received the above information then we will serve you with more information on how to claim Bellow is our website.

    Personally, I though it was sterling, and what is Bellow anyhow?

  20. Oh GAWD, Lenny... AND the Squigtones....

    *wipes away nostalgic tear that is slowly coursing down her wizened, '80's-loving cheek*

  21. with this info, i can surely rule the world.

  22. Ha! The other night (last week maybe) I Tweeted "Internet, you're so beautiful you could be a part. time. model."

    Wait....last week I tweeted joined Twitter.....@whoorl @thebloggess @fadkog dude?


    It's true though. The Internet. I just want to walk on the outside of her, buy her a ka-bab, and pay for half the taxi.

  23. "Night After Night" ... an eternal classic!

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My Uncool Past