The 7 Habits of Highly Uncool People

My view of all those "how to get your life together/succeed in business" self-help books is simple. They're all pretty lame.

Whether it's breaking all the rules by moving the good-to-great cheese from under your one-minute manager's brown nose or creating raving fans by continuously improving Six Sigma during your 4-hour work week, they all boil down to this:

Plan. Communicate. Connect. Do.

See. I saved you $23.98 on the latest management fad. Chew on that, Kenneth Blanchard, Ph. D.

This all leads me into today's post. Wendy of Notes from the Sleep Deprived has ducktaped me to my desk chair until I produce "7 weird and private things" about myself. Like there are any other kinds.

So here goes:

1. Maintain the mystery. Create new middle names and titles for yourself whenever fill out forms not requiring credit checks. My current nom de plume is Cornelius the Ravager. Tomorrow, I'm test driving Sh'neuqua, Queen of the Cuticle.

2. Defy gender roles. For example, whenever an airline has me fill out one of those cards looking for suggestions to improve their service, I always write in: "Shorts for the stewards. Some of those guys got legs!"

3. Screw unto others ... I reply to Nigerian bank account e-mail scams. In fact, I always ask them to call me so we can discuss their dire straits ... or even Mark Knopfler's spotty solo work. The fact the names and phone numbers I give them match those of former co-workers and bosses of mine -- just coincidence. (UPDATE: Shortly after I posted this, I got one of these e-mails, except now it is from Kuwait. This will be my gift to you -- here is the e-mail.)

4. Emote at will. I tear up at the sappiest movie crap. I mean, "Kit Kittredge" had my sinuses stuffy by the end. Same thing when Homer lets Bart hold in the bomb in "The Simpsons Movie."

5. Embrace the technology at hand ... I, like millions of teen boys in the day, stuck tin foil in the slots of the cable box in a vain attempt to get the Playboy Channel to unsquiggle itself on the screen. Today, all I can say is "Internet, you're so beautiful … like a high-class prostitute."


6. ... even if you don't really get it. I joined Twitter. I know, I know. I've railed against it before. I still will. But all the kids are doing it. I'm jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge next week. Don't worry, I plan to cushion my fall by landing on John Edwards' ego. That's what I call social justice, punk.

7. Impress others with useless knowledge. Not only do I still own the "Lenny and The Squigtones" on vinyl, I still know most of the words to the songs. This simultaneously frightens and endears me to My Love. But, c'mon - this where the Spinal Tap guys got started. And Peter Criss (yes, of Kiss) appears on the inner sleeve as drummer "Ming the Merciless."


So make it your habit to visit Humor-Blogs.com, register and give me a big goofy smiley face.