Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sarcasm - Don't Leave Home Without It

The quarterly trips Thing 1 and I take to Chicago to meet with her rheumatologist, more often than not, have their hitches.

Like the very first time we went. Thing 1 was all pumped up to visit the Chicago Children's Museum. She dug for dinosaur bones among the ground bits of old rubber tires, ran the cash register at the play supermarket and pumped 'tane at the pretend gas station.

Two hours later, she developed a staph infection and puked on the hospital sidewalk. And my shoes, too.

It went much better this time around.

We jumped an earlier flight that took off and landed … on time! The 85-degree Midwest sunshine was tempered by a healthy Lake Michigan breeze that made it feel more like late May than mid-August. I escaped the American Girl Place (never "store") with only $121 from my wallet and 20 minutes of my life disappearing.

The visit to the doc also went extremely well and I write about it today on (I also hit you up for a donation for Thing 1's foundation, but I understand that times suck. I'd be cool if all you did was read the post and gave me a comment).

Then came the attempt to get back home.

For once, our appointment with the rheumatologist sped along. No waiting for blood testing! Thing 1 peed in the cup on first try! (Let the record state that she REALLY needs to start getting that urine sample in the plastic cup without my assistance). We got back to O'Hare four hours before our scheduled flight, early standby on our minds.

Unfortunately, "weather" (I believe this is code for "incompetence") canceled all the days' flights up until our original one. We ended up hanging at Chili's Too and Wolfgang Puck's Café, eating junk and drinking ... stuff ... and getting on each other's nerves for five hours.

Where did that extra hour come from? Well, our plane arrived on time … but then it was relegated to the scrap heap because of a "mechanical failure." I think a wheel locked on the beverage cart.

When the secondhand plane arrived, we boarded with Group 6, the last ones to enter the cabin and always the ones with the most carry-on luggage.

As we made our way up the aisle, I stopped in the first-class section and turned to ask Thing 1 to hand me one of her bags since the overhead compartments here were mostly empty because these people can afford to check bags at $15 a pop ($25 for your second! What a deal!).

"Hey! Watch it! You are hitting me with that!"

When I turned, my backpack apparently nailed some blue-hair in 3C. I apologized quickly, sincerely and just as Mom had taught me. Then it got ugly.

"Well, you need to pay more attention to what you're doing, blah blah blah …"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry. I apologized. There's not much more I can do. There's no need to get upset and make a fuss. I'm sorry. It was my fault."

"Well, I'll get upset and raise a fuss if I want to! I blah blah blah …"

I rolled my eyes, turned and went up the aisle. Then I looked over my shoulder and out it came:
"Oh, go have another free drink and get over it!"

I felt good with this all the way back to LaGuardia. Then as we disembarked, I saw the blue-hair on the bridge into the terminal.

She was in a wheelchair.

So, I ask you, what circle of hell does this move me down to?

If you know, tell them at I'd like my room ready when I arrive.


  1. Ouch!

    Then does it also count as beating on the elderly when I keep getting hit in the head with the IT guy's computer bag when he's standing next to my seat on the parking shuttle?

    Let me know if you meet him in the same circle of hell.

    Then again, taking care of Thing 1 plus going to the American Girl Place may have bought you a reprieve.

  2. Would you feel that way if the blue hair wasn't in a wheelchair and just a bluehair with an axe to grind? You are guilty of nothing.

  3. Pfft. Just because someone is in a wheelchair does NOT give them a free pass to be an asshat. I swear, everyone is blogging about courtesy these days. I'd say I started a trend, but that would be too princess-y of me.

  4. Sorry I missed you on your pass through town, but glad you had a good time, blue-hair or no.

  5. CT - Hey, the seat next to mine is open. It's a middle obe, though.

    Swirl - Damn Catholic upbringing!

    Winter - I love when you type "asshat."

    Dan - I was walking down Mich Ave, toting some AG bags, and I realized I should have let you know my whereabouts. I'll be back in November.

  6. Yeah, forget it!
    I'm glad you got in that last closing comment.

  7. Holding the pee cup totally gives you a free pass to beat up an old lady. No worries.

  8. Sounds like a reason to mount spikes on the outside of your bag.

  9. Well it's not like you poked her eye out or anything. Beside, you can say what you want to the old hag - you can out run her.

  10. ST - I'm just glad I didn't end with "you old bag!"

    Seriously - Thanks. I needed that.

    MAW - You are cruel. Funny, but cruel.

  11. You had me at beverage cart.

    Wheelchairs don't give people the right to be A-holes. Besides, you probably reached that inner ring of hell a long time ago. So no worries!

  12. No, no. You get EXTRA points for making fun of the wheelchair bound elderly. That's what I tell myself when I do it.

    Also, how about a little "Wuz up? I'm in your city!" next time??

    I mean, I probably wouldn't answer but still...

  13. Nope, it actually moves you up. Just because someone is in a wheelchair does not give them the right to be rude. Sorry. Just my opinion. I hope if I'm ever bound to a chair, and start to get all bitter and put-upon that way, someone will give me a good slap in the face.

    So look at it this way. Maybe you just saved her soul by giving her such a brilliant parting remark. =)

  14. Honey, you were already in hell when you dropped a load that big so fast at the American Girl store. Now you're just in a more uncomfortable version of hell where there are fewer plastic girls through the ages smiling at you!

  15. Sometimes older people get the impression that because they're old, they can talk shit whenever they want. Like they're entitled to do it without anyone challenging them simply because they're old. They do not get a free pass simply because they've been alive for 100 years more than you. If SHE were a considerate person in any way, shape or form, maybe she would've stopped to think about what She was saying. She didn't know why you guys were on that plane in the first place and if she had, I guarantee you that she would've kept her geriatric mouth shut.

    The wheelchair changes nothing. She was still rude, and I still would've applauded you had I been in the seat behind her.

  16. I am sure you will get a room with a view in hell...a view of all the crappy bitchy bitter blue haired people there too.

    Of course YOU will be upgraded to Heaven asap since you are a rockin dad. So no worries...

  17. Wheel chairs do not excuse rudeness.

  18. I'm with Alice. Being in a wheel chair doesn't excuse her from acting like a human being. Besides, you didn't push her over, you gave her a witty come back. I liked it!

  19. One of my cousins has spent his life in a wheelchair....he always says, an asshole is an asshole, no matter how handicapped. I figure it works for old and handicapped as well. Although as far as you know, she could have just not wanted to walk.

    The American Girl store is in my nightmares.

  20. Sounds like that was a great flight. But I would have said the same thing.

    I know you hate awards, but I still wanted to give you props and a shout out so I did here.

  21. Oh Dude.

    Glad the DR appt went well, that's always a good thing. Maybe next time you can manage to get through the whole affair without the assault and battery on the elderly.

    But then again, maybe not.

    I'll be mailing you some sunscreen for where you're going to be residing in the afterlife.

  22. I don't blame the blue-hair for being a grump, even if she was in first-class. She was FLYING. Flying sucks butt. Big butt. Everybody in one of those tubes has a God-given right to be really cranky.

    Can you tell I hate flying?

  23. If your Blue Hair was Canadian, she would have apologized for being in the way of your backpack.

  24. No damning you to hell here. Interesting how when people lose control of thier own lives they try to control others around them. I'm glad you said something to her. Disabilities are not a free pass to be disrespectful to another human being. Sooner she learns that, the sooner the rest of us won't have to apologize for being in the way when she runs over our toes in her motorized scooter at the grocery store.

  25. wheelchair or not, she just needed to

    Glad things went well before that!

  26. Wheelchair or not, she was still a bitch!
    See how nice I am?!!

  27. Ouch...

    but being in a wheelchair is no excuse for being a grump. She should have accepted the apology and let it go.

    Thanks for stopping by today!


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