Friday, August 1, 2008

This is Not An American Girl Production

I thought I had escaped the latest American Girl juggernaut when my sister volunteered weeks ago to take Thing 1 to the "Kit Kittredge" movie. My little scheme, however, was thwarted when the appointed day to pump more cash into Barbie's pseudo-profound (and naturally, more expensive) cousins came and the flick was no longer in town.

Because I love my daughter and, in place of my real name, her birth certificate lists the father as "sucker," I hit Matinees were playing at three multiplexes in the area, provided you define "area" as within the Eastern Time zone.

"My Love, these are my choices," I said, seeking her infinite wisdom. "Each theater is roughly the same distance from here, time-wise. We can go to Burpport, which is easy access right off I-95 but … it's Burpport. We could very well miss a turn and find ourselves in midst of a Blood/Crypts rumble. Next is Ritzfield, which requires me to rough it on 26 different back roads and risk hitting a nanny goat in panties. Or, there is Snorethorne, which requires me to cross state lines -- always a risky proposition when I am without other adult supervision."

She contemplated via a sip from her glass of the house red, Smoking Loon.

"Snorethorne. I'd rather drive on the parkway than battle the trucks and nuts on 95."

She, as always, was right. Moreover, Snorethorne is bucolic like Ritzfield but without the funny looks from the locals because the minivan bumper doesn't have multiple Cape Cod off-road permits stuck to it.

"I love you," I said. "Can I take you right now? Here, on the granite countertop?"

"Stop it. It's Wednesday."

Next morning, I loaded Thing 1 and a Scooby Doo movie into the minivan and off we went.

It took three tries and four extra miles to gain entrance to the parkway. Each normal path was blocked and detoured because of road resurfacing. Must be an election year.

When we finally hit the parkway, we cruised at 55 for a whopping 18 seconds before we hit bumper-to-bumper traffic. This day, the state had decided to finally chip up all the dead tree branches that fell along the road in the storms we had … back in January. Is the frickin' governorship up for contention this year, too?

When we reached the state line, we encountered five miles of bumps and Jersey-barrier narrowed lanes. It's 10:46 in the morning and this theater better have a full-service bar with cocktail waitresses dressed in "I Dream of Jeannie" outfits or else there will be blood.

We arrived at the Snorethorne Multiplex. At 11:15 on a Thursday morn for a G-rated flick, I am the sole male among a half-dozen moms and grandmoms with two-dozen female spawn in tow. This, I can handle.

Not so much the world's slowest concessionaire. He talked like and had the same hair and cheesy mustache as the flair-pushing restaurant owner in "Office Space." He made you repeat every item in your order twice and then repeated it back to you as he took his sweet, minimum-wage time fetching it. He snapped opened every popcorn bag with a Pete-Townshend-style arm windmill. He counted your change back to the penny -- very carefully. Then he asked if you wanted a receipt.

"Enjoy … the movie … and come back … again."

Finally, we were ensconced in our seats. The lights dimmed. The previews commenced.

Here, I jest not, are two of them:

Now, I appreciate a good threesome as much as the next guy (at least in concept and from what I know from late-night pay-per-view). I also don't believe in putting my kids in a hermetically sealed box. For example, Thing 1 is a big fan of "My Name is Earl" which, I believe, teaches the values of being kind to others as well as serving as a sociological exploration into the mores and fashion stylings of the trailer park crowd. However, even I was a little concerned about these previews, though I'm pretty sure each will later appear in our NetFlix queue.

"Hunny bunny, hold my popcorn. I'll be right back."

An outraged red-haired mom of three had already beaten me to the lobby and the manager.

"I can't believe this! What is going on with you people! This is a film for little girls! Making love! Going to bed! Women kissing!"

"Yeah," I said, now in mock indignation because this was one of the people causing the concession stand experience to be even more tortuous by making snack and drink substitutions in each of her three kids' value packs, "Brad Pitt just said 'screw the pooch,' 'shit' and 'dickwad.'"

"Shit and dickwad!" outraged Red said. "Well, the damage has already been done."

Apparently, they had sent us all to the wrong theater. We were quickly ushered into the one next door and treated to previews of a crappy DreamWorks' animated flick about flies going to the moon and then, finally, "Kit Kittredge: An American Harlot."

Maybe not. Nevertheless, it's nice to think that it could of ended that way.
For more happy endings, go to, register and give me a smiley face.


  1. Oh the g rated girly glad I never had to undergo those.
    Now the traffic, concession stand workers and inappropriate peviews...I understand.
    ...but threesomes are always cool.

  2. I laughed out loud when the girls started kissing at the end, imagining the aghast mothers and shocked daughters. That was too, too funny. I'm glad this happened to you bc it produced a great post.

    I'm pissed- I went to humor blogs, and not only is this post not up yet, the search function was not working.
    Well, at least I was able to favorite you.
    Ooh. That sounded a little odd.

  3. Years ago, we took the kids to see October Sky. Homer Hickham, rocketry, science fairs, awesome. And the preview that had me shooting spitwads was for some teenage Dangerous Liaisons thingy. And we weren't in the wrong theater. Just what I want my 12-year-old-daughter to see.

    As an aside, the new Coen Bros. flick looks hi-larious!

  4. When I took the Goat to see Wall-E, the Theatre (i won't give the name of the theatre but it sounds like Cinemark.....shit! I've never been any good at that.) showed the trailor for The Pineapple Express.
    the Goat: "They sure do smoke a lot in that movie Dad."
    me: "they sure do........want another handfull of Milk Duds?"

  5. Next time, just use the concept of a threesome for a math review exercise. Life lessons can be found everywhere!

  6. i second manager mom. also, i am so bringing the kids to Pineapple Express. they are HUGE seth rogan fans.

  7. I am so linking to this post on my blog today. All the moms will love it. Hysterical!!

  8. LMAO at Manager Mom's comment. Funny.

    Yeah, I can see where the 'rents in the theater would be slightly peeved.

    I'm totally going to watch both of those when they're out on DVD, however.

  9. OMG, cannot stop laughing. So glad it was the wrong theater; I don't see Kitt Kittredge and an arty, over-sexed European drama having much in common in terms of target audience. Too funny.

  10. OMG- I took my daughter and a neighbor to that movie and the SAME THING happened to us!!! They showed a preview for the movie The Women. Which is about a bunch of women trying to figure out how to tell their friend her husband is having an affair with the woman behind the cosmetics counter!!!

  11. I can't believe they did that! How uncool!

    I left you something on my blog...

  12. oh yeah, and I forgot to mention at the end of the preview, they show one of the girls in labor screaming like a banshee. Hmmm, appropriate for 7 year olds? I think not unless you are looking for a way to kick off the "birds & bees" discussion!

  13. Tent - Agreed, except when your daughter is participating in one.

    ST - Humor Blogs, I'm convinced, is rigged. The guy who runs it is always in the Top 5 blogs and he's been re-running old posts for months.

    MAW - I sat thru the whole Cohen preview b/c I just couldn't contain the giggles as well as my outrage. OUTRAGE, I tells ya.

    CIII - Milk Duds - opium for the movie-going masses.

    MM - Have I got a theorem for you to prove, Manager MILF.

    Ms P - Seth Rogan makes you laugh just by looking at him.

    Fairfield - Moms love me. Their daughters ... eh, not so much.

    TheHMC - Don't feed, Manager MILF. You'll ruin her boobless figure.

    Sarah - I think it was a set up for the sequel in which Kit becomes a taxi dancer and ends up shooting smack in the bathroom of an automat.

    Sarah - I think witnessing a live birth at age 7 would freak a girl enough that she'd never want to touch a boy's junk. Ever.

    Wendy - I hope it's a check with many many zeroes.

  14. I'll leave you a check with many many zeroes. You leave me one. Then we both deposit them and for a couple of days we can have the kind of bank accounts we want.

  15. Since you tagged me and I got the chance to tag someone else that I love to read, head on over to my site and pick up your award, you big snugglebunny, you!

  16. I escaped the American Girl snoozefest by sending my daughters to the movie with the babysitter.

    Funny, they didn't mention any girls kissing. Then again, maybe that's what Kit grows up to be?

    Just a thought ...

  17. I love that you showed us the previews, I felt like I was there, in the theatre, shocked. And I don't think I've ever heard swear words in a preview. I thought those things were always rated for all audiences. I thought it was going to be that they accidentally switched preview reels, but to send you all to the wrong theatre??? Don't they post which movie is playing outside each theatre? Gosh, it's just no man's land as soon as you cross that border, isn't it?


    And thank you for the linky love!

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. Hey, nice blog. Just stumbled here from Merlot Mom.

    And I'd be happy to try and explain Pokemon and its appeal to you, but I really need that beer first. Sam Adams, Terrapin, or Sweetwater 420 please. : )

  20. long do I have before my 5 year old discovers these new dolls?

  21. Those are some good trailers-- at least they saw some quality adult movies. Er... wait.

    I loved your conflicted feelings about allying yourself with an irritating P.I.T.A. even when she's right. That's me all the way.

  22. Oh really, I've been planning to see both of those movies, so maybe I'll take the kids because nothing says family entertainment like watching Scarlett Johansen getting her groove on with another chick.

    You crack me up!

  23. Before "Enchanted" was the preview for some guy monster creepy flick that even scared me. I make a point of being late and missing the previews...Kit K. was great, my kids loved it. But I was aware of the parallels to foreclosures today! kids would have just thought it was some secret club or something

  24. Here's how I would have gotten through that American Girl blahbity blah after this experience: I'd have sat down, made sure my kid was cozy and happy, then closed my eyes and imagined a threesome with Javier Bardem and Brad Pitt. An hour and a half later, the credits are rolling, and everybody's happy!

    (Did I say Brad Pitt? I meant you, fo course)

  25. That's how movie theatre employees get their jollies - that and spitting on the popcorn.

  26. the damage has already been done!!


    that really is the funniest thing i have read all week. well, that and this:

  27. I'm looking for Generation X Bloggers and found you on Blog Catalog. I have to say, this post about Kitt was very funny. Also, the blog profile about having the executive goddess.

  28. You couldn't pay me to go to that movie.

  29. Wow. I don't know if I'd be upset or glad that I got decent previews before a movie like Kit Kittredge.

    Probably glad. I'd let someone else get angry ...

  30. No one is safe. Besides, you go watch Wall-E and then come home and find everyone sleeping with everyone else in the middle of the afternoon on MTV. Didn't they used to show Bryan Adams videos?

  31. Wow you are a good dad to go to the American Girl movie. Great dad. The Coen-brothers movie does look hilarious and Brad cracks me up.

  32. The Coen brothers flick does look soooo good, though...sorry that happened, however. My 4-yr. old daughter would have had a million questions regarding both previews.

  33. You know, I was just about to unsubscribe from this particular post, but if the comments are going to keep flooding in and they are going to be of the high caliber above, maybe I'll stick around some more.


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