Monday, October 6, 2008

Six Degrees of Quirky Uncoolness

One day last week, for no apparent reason, this blog received about 200 random visits, two-thirds of which were from people searching for "Kari Mythbusters Mentos" or some derivative thereof.

Now, I did make a brief mention of my occasional daydreams of this red-haired vixen geek.


Back in July.

Sorry to disappoint you, Google oglers. However, if you had anything to do with the fact that a few days later my blog subscriptions increased by 33 percent, then God bless every horny one of you. For your trouble and your patronage, I give you this:

One random quirk deserves six more. For iMommy, MattDaddy and the many other bloggers who tagged me or awarded me yet more Pico y Arte (Spanish for "contagious lack of cash equivalent") awards in the last month, here are six random quirks of mine:

1. When my copy of Newsweek arrives, I employ the following methodology:
-- First, find and chuckle at the quotes and cartoons on the "Perspectives" page.
-- Skip back to read the "My Turn" column then curse myself for never submitting something because most of the ones they print are totally lame.
-- Finally, flip to the back-page column and, depending on the week, either wonder a) if Ambien CR pills are really ground up, compressed George Will columns that mention baseball, Tocqueville and/or the Federalist Papers, or b) how a woman as successful as Anna Quindlen can't get a better stylist for photo shoots. I mean, look at this:

Her new column photo is a bit better. But not much.

2. I roll the toothpaste tube from the end. My Love, however, is a squeeze-from-the-middle kinda gal. When the police arrive, please let them know this.

3. I put Tabasco on lasagna. Homemade or store-bought frozen, fresh from the oven or straight from the fridge, meat-filled or vegetarian, I douse it. My handiwork is rumored to have inspired that "smell of Napalm in the morning" line in Apocalypse Now.

4. When telemarketers cold call me for "charitable donations," I always say, "Yes! Please! Put me down for $50!" When the pledge form arrives, I feed it to the paper shredder. Eventually they call again, ask what happened to my pledge, I apologize and they send another form that I again shred. I got one alleged state firefighters' association to send me pledge forms six times. Suckers! **sniff** Is that smoke? Nope, just my lasagna.

5. See this scar on my knee:

Thirteen stitches from successfully blocking home plate so the go-ahead run wouldn't score during a baseball game at age 14. Unless you are my wife, my doctor or my massage therapist, don't touch it. Gives me the heebie jeebies. But if I pass out after one too many, it's fair game for you to draw smiley faces on it.

6. When the words won't come, I listen to one of two never-fail CDs: Utopia Parkway by Fountains of Wayne and Fizzy Fuzzy Big & Buzzy by The Refreshments. I've drafted many quarterly letters from CEOs to the beat of "Well I've been saving for a custom van/And I've been playing in a cover band/And my baby doesn't understand/Why I never turned from boy to man." Or the irony of this:

Oops, subscription numbers dropping again. Let's go down together, down together … and over to so you can give me a knee-worthy smiley face.


  1. I keep a copy of Fizzy Fuzzy Big & Buzzy in my car in case of emergencies. Emergencies happen pretty much weekly. It's a family favorite.

  2. OK then, to warn you, when we host the Uncools and the FTFs on the 17th, bring your Tabasco because I'm going to attempt to cook (!? I know) a lasagna.

    Consider yourself forewarned on all fronts. (I do have delivery menus ready should my experiment in cooking not turn out so well.)

  3. Chas - It is a road trip staple for us.

    Manager MILF - It is under advisement.

  4. I tell cold callers I am the baby sitter and the homeowners won't be back until early next week. They rarely call back.

  5. Huh. I'm kind of a redhead, I am kind of a vixen (it's a part-time job), and MY blog subsriptions jumped dramatically this weekend. I mean to the point that I checked and re-checked just to be sure I didn't click something wrong. I should now check my stats to see if people want me to get freaky with the fresh maker.

    Kari's boobs are quite artfully blushed, I'll say that.

  6. LOL! Really enjoyed your blog. I don't know you well enough to make lasagna for you, but I hope you'll settle for just, you know, reading the blog.

    :^) Anna

  7. I am a roll from the bottom toothpaste squeezer myself. But I've com across a new dilemma - my toothpaste has ripped along the edge and now when I roll along the bottom, the tube oozes out the side!

    tabasco eh?

  8. collette - that's my girl

    FADKOG - Conspiracy? Or maybe just good taste.

    Anna - A box of donuts would be fine for me. Meanwhile, you are now on my naughty list. Rrrrrrowl.

    Deidre - I'd start squeezing from the opposite side of the tear. But that's just me.

  9. I'm a redhead now as well. And while I don't have the trendiest style, my doo does look better than Anna Q.
    What's up with that? Great writer, though.

  10. I, too, despite attempted self-imposed discipline, skim through my Newsweek the same way. I tell myself to patiently read the first few pages of junk before the cartoons and the "My Turn" section, but end up flipping to "just take a peek." Hope nothing major ever takes place before those two sections, because I think we all hurriedly skim them. Even though I work at a job where I write all day, I'm not really a "writer" per se. However, I wish every week that I would just come up with and submit something to that danged magazine because like you, I don't think they're ever really that good. So I vote you to go for it.

  11. You are being featured on Five Star Friday's Intrepid Tuesday:

  12. I've been living dangerously lately and squeezing right from the middle. It feels so naughty.

    P.S. I am totally a redhead.

  13. Prefers - Think the Bloggess could spare her a confidence wig?

    Daisee - Would the editors like something on rabbit-killing dogs?

    NAB - Someone needs some discipline.

  14. Oh I love the telemarketing idea. Lately I have been trying to sell them something back. It amuses me and they end up hanging up. Just start the sentence with "I just started selling Amway..."

    And tabasco around here goes on everything. I even have a brownie recipe.

  15. Mmmm, Kari....Mmmm, Redhead....

    My kids think I'm totally interested in that show for the experiments.

  16. Aww, you're just as strange as me (maybe). That Tabasco sauce one might just top it all.

  17. I follow the same Newsweek-reading protocol!

  18. i love tabasco! good stuff.

    telemarketers...nope don't love them. we don't have to worry about them over here, but i know that they will start calling as soon as we step foot in america again. i'll be prepared with some ammo now!

  19. Texas H - Mix up a batch and send them my way

    M@ - so do mine

    iMom - Would never have thought Tabasco was this hot an issue with my readers.

    How2Party - And don't get me started on Time.

    Natile - You are always welcome in my foxhole.

  20. Didn't you hear? Quirky Uncoolness is the new Coolness.

    I almost forget what telemarketing calls are like, since the blessed and holy Do Not Call list took effect all those years ago.

    Looks like the secret to Dooce-level popularity may be to lock down an interview with Kari. I bet Steve from TheSneeze might be able to help you out-- he's friends with Adam.

  21. OMG I haven't heard that song in forever

  22. um how do you know so much about your blog visitors!!! big brother come to me. i want the scoop. shit my cat just knocked over every single paper i had piled up on the printer.
    nice to find your blog through Five Star-

  23. i put tabasco on everything. EVERYTHING.

    i can no longer taste food.

  24. I had to switch over to the toothpaste BOTTLES because then there is no squeezing issues.

  25. I always tell the donation types that I'm fine and they can give their donations to those that need them. Then I hang up.


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My Uncool Past