ME?! The modern day Jack Benny of household and personal thrift? Let’s explore this in the next few posts.
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One night in the not-too-distant past, I sought the seclusion of my home office to finish some odds and ends on my computer. This immediately raised suspicions in my wife.
MY LOVE (decloaking from ninja mode): What are you doing?
UNCOOL (wetting pants) (because I spilled my beer): GAH! Jesus Alou, honey! I was sending an email to our neighbors.
MY LOVE: About what?
UNCOOL: Excitable’s coach gave me five booster cards to sell to raise funds for the Little League. Twenty bucks a pop. You show the card at any of these restaurants and stores listed on the back, and you get 10 percent off the bill. I’m buying one for us and I thought someone in the neighborhood might want to buy one because it’s a pretty sweet deal.
MY LOVE: Well, buy one for us and one for the babysitter. Then we can buy another and give it to Bob and Carol …
UNCOOL: Sweetie, I just said I was buying one for us. Why are we buying one for babysitter?
MY LOVE: She looks after our children.
UNCOOL: You pay her $20 an hour to watch TV. When she’s here one kid hides upstairs on the computer and the other in the basement on the Wii. And Bob and Carol? Their kid sleeps over here every other weekend, terrorizes the dog, refuses to eat what I cook and gives me migraines.
MY LOVE: They’re the parents of one of our children’s best friends.
UNCOOL: When they buy me a year’s supply of earplugs and Excedrin, we’ll get them a gift card.
MY LOVE: Now buy one for us and buy another for the cleaning ladies, then …
UNCOOL: Honey, I already said I’m buying one for us. And – the cleaning ladies? Hey, they’re great and all, but we already pay them for the weeks we go on vacation when they don’t have to clean. And I do the laundry for them since that underwear incident. I also empty all the overflowing bathroom garbage cans days before they get here.
MY LOVE: But that’s their job. That’s why we pay them.
UNCOOL: But the garbage is overFLOWing. You leave it spilling everywhere for three days at a clip. Bathroom garbage. Oye, I’m giving myself the heebie-jeebies talking about it. Where’s my hand sanitizer?
MY LOVE: Now, buy one for us and buy the last one for Ted and Ali--
UNCOOL: Woman! You are insane. Certifiably insane. We played $120 for Excitable to play in this league. I donate 7 hours a week coaching his team, 4 hours prepping myself on rules and training methods, 3 hours begging the boy to go out and have a catch with me, and a lot of miscellaneous time worrying how my methods are irrevocably screwing up a bunch of otherwise pretty nice kids. We’ve paid enough. … AND I ALREADY BOUGHT A CARD FOR US!
MY LOVE: I have an idea. Buy one card for us, then send an email to the neighbors to see if anyone wants to buy one of the others.
UNCOOL: Wow, dear. You’re a genius. Why didn’t I think of that?
MY LOVE: And let’s buy one for your sister ...
UNCOOL (runs screaming into traffic)
-- end scene --
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