I'm comin', I'm comin'! Geez, who the hell is knocking at 5 fu- …
Hoover's toe fungus! It's the kids from Camp Candid Carrie. Is the field trip today?
Wait. One second! ONE SEC!
Good morning, campers! I'm your Uncle Uncool. C'min, c'min. Eye opener? (Or as MS Word suggests, "Revelation?")
I know you've been running ragged this summer, visiting all the great sights the blogging world offers. It's a crazy, gray-matter stimulating, hackle raising, digital world. With that in mind and all you've already seen, you're probably thinking, "Why am I here today?"
Seriously. I've got two Disney-Channel crackheads beating each other with pool noodles, a dog with the runs, and a beef with the makers of allegedly "vitamin fortified" French toast sticks to deal with. What the hey?
(sound of crickets)
Ha! I kid. I'm a kidder! Uncool Kidman, that's me.
Learn on your own time, mates, this weekend is about fun. We've got games, prizes and many refreshments! Let me introduce you around.
First, here's My Love. She built that there bridge and koi pond in our backyard. She's also the cruise director, breadwinner and tolerater of my shenanigans. Me, I'm just the sucka MC.
Wait. Hold on …
Just asked my uber bad-ass DJ, Manager Mom. "Sucka" -- bad. "Dope" -- good. Me -- white, love-handled suburban 40-year-old guy who loves nerdy power pop.
There's Murphy, the aforementioned dog. He's 2, he's a latte-lovin' Lab and he's tinkling on your foot right now.
Gotcha! Trust me, that's not the end of him we worry about.
Over here are the local town criers, Stamford Talk and Stamford Blog, once again bickering over Trivial Pursuit. ST, SB! Whoa. Chill. Let's play Drinkin' Jenga instead. Here -- I'll pull the first piece:
Aaand Stamford Blog is on my right. Hmmm. Dude, that's a fuzzy navel.
We're walking, we're walking. Here we go. It's … for a different kind of girl. We've recently become BFFs … with benefits. We swap CDs constantly. Sometimes, we do it without the protective jewel cases on.
What's that, FADKOG? Yeah, I have a video camera. Do you need it for something?
Here's a motley crew - the guys from DadCentric. Don't ask about the elephant in the room. It follows them everywhere.
Over here … shhh! The Things are asleep.
Don't you lock the doors and make your kids sleep in a tent in the backyard? It's the only way I get any Business Time with My Love when she's not peddling Lay's Staxs to 35s-and-under in Slovenia. And, yes, they do taste much better than that other brand.
Anyway, the kids will be up soon. The band's here ...
They're ready to rock the pergola. Request "Fantastic Planet of Love." They also do a nasty "19th Nervous Breakdown."
(bell rings in background)
Game time! First, the prizes. You get to choose TWO of the following: a $10 Dunkin' Donuts gift card, a kickin' Cure JM hat and T-shirt set, a Drinkin' Jenga game of your very own, our "secret" neighborhood egg nog recipe or a Waterford crystal Christmas plate that I can't seem to give away on Craigslist.
Let's start … the scavenger hunt. E-MAIL the answers to me at email@example.com and click the "Brilliant Insights" link at the end of this post and leave a comment declaring whether you've brought any fruit, vegetables or animals into the country. Most interesting answer to the bonus question breaks a tie. You have until 11:59 p.m. EDT, July 28, 2008, to enter.
Ready, steady, go:
1. Who is the syndicated columnist who inspired my first full-length post?
2. Name the main musician that played at my 40th birthday party.
3. Wikipedia claims that my real name was also the pseudonym for a real DJ that inspired a famous television character. Name the character and what other character on the show warms the cockles of my heart. (Maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub-cockle area.)
4. In my version of the Disney Channel's "Camp Rock," what does the bad-boy-teen-idol-in-exile change the camp welcome sign to say?
5. Pick your favorite piece of advice from the wisdom I passed on to Thing 2 when he turned 6.
Bonus: Fill in the blank -- If trapped in an elevator with the person known as Always Home and Uncool, I would ______ .
OK, that's the lay. Of the land, I mean. Head over to the magic well of inspiration and help yourself.
Oh, one last thing. This is most important lesson you'll get on this neverending tour. Pens and pencils ready?
When you've got nowhere else to go, I'm always here. I'm your shelter from the storm. Remember, the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool:
Please: Old friends -- introduce yourself to the guests in the "Brilliant Insights" section. New friends - tell us who you are, where you're from, and nachos or mozzarella sticks? Cheers!
Others, go to Humor-Blogs.com and register a complaint.