Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Chew on This, Pal

I clothesline little old soup-making grandmas at the supermarket for the choicest marrow bones for you.

I mail order the longest, thickest bully sticks for you, despite the whole notion of what part of the bull they come from freaks and fascinates me simultaneously.

I have a trunk full of not-made-in-China, compressed rawhide bones that I'm willing to toss to you at the slightest hint of pathetic neediness in your big brown eyes.

So, would you please lay off the eyes of the kid's stuffed animals? I can only cover your furry ass so many times, my friend, before I give in to the demand to trade you in for a guinea pig.

And, I loathe guinea pigs.

eyeless teddy beareyeless stuffed kangaroo


  1. Man, that is sick!
    That's one sick puppy... or, he's trying to send you a message.

  2. One stuffed animal you are willing to part with sprinkled with cayenne pepper (or another hot pepper) around the eyes ... and he will think twice.

  3. ST: I just hope the message isn't that I am next.

    Nancy: I'll give it a shot. And BTW, Jack is an idiot. Thanks for joining the party. Want a beer?

  4. my kids will never ever enjoy the company of a pet. that is why we had the little brother. that is why i tell them to love the ants in the house. pet them. love them. they are YOURS.

  5. I'm laughing so hard. Hey at least it's the dog. In our case, it was a rat in the basement. And when the kiddo discovered his bears without eyes, he kinda flipped out. There were death threats toward all vermin, everywhere.

    And then, I was a bad mother and took photos of it and posted it on my blog.

    And the kid saw, and flipped out again.


  6. Tell your kids that Guinea Pigs can get lice.

  7. We have three dogs, but only one likes to randomly attack stuffed animals. We don't have kids, so any stuffed animals are memories from our childhoods. So now, we have our memories boxed up and try to remember anything within the dogs' reach is fair game (at least they think so!). Nothing like watching them try to lick the hot grill in the back yard!

  8. For some reason all I can hear is Phoebe on Friends going "MY EYES! MY EYES!"

    We used to have a dog that would anything. She even ate half of the kids stocking stuffers one year on Christmas Eve, the little bi-ach that she was. And we're talking sports bottles, sunglasses, pencils and even a notebook. And that was after she wrecked half of the presents under the tree while we were gone.

    I really didn't like that dog, to be truthful.

  9. Ms. P - I grew up in an anti-pet household. Do you really want the kids to be like me?

    Wende - Hey there, newbie! The popsicles are in the ice box. I found a rat roaming my garage once. Ever seen a grown man scale a minivan?

    MM - I forgot the GP lice story! Good ammo.

    Anon - Murph has attempted to lick the Weber, too. How has this species survived this long?

    HMC - My first dog, rest in piece, once at the liner to My Love's bathing suit. He was throwing up for weeks because the food had no way out.

  10. Bully sticks are repulsive. But my puppy loves the suckers, so I buy them in bulk.

    And then puppy tries to lick me with his bully stick breath and I just want to puke.



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