Monday, July 11, 2011

Let Me Amuse You With My Misery

I don’t delude myself. I know most of you come here for a grin and giggle, not to be impressed by:

  • my profound insights (you’re smiling already, yes?),
  • my clever turn of phrase (look, if you must roll on the floor in laughter, please do so over the muddy paw prints by the door), or
  • my dazzling use of metaphor, allusion and other terms you have most likely not thought about since you wrote your last English literature term paper (this was only a few weeks ago for this reader and this one, so they are excused for reading my blog as a way to purge their brains of all intellectual thought before summer break).

However, I’m not feeling all fun and games these days. Oh, let me count the ways:

  1. Within 10 minutes of stepping foot in Seattle for our recent Cure JM conference/vacation, Thing 2 left not only his iPod Touch but also his beloved Nintendo DS and some 20 games for it on the airport shuttle train. Even he could do the math on that. In short, a grainy security camera stlll of yours truly might now be pinned to a corkboard hanging in the Seattle-Tacoma International’s TSA office with a note to “Approach with Caution. And Mace.”
  2. Returned from said “vacation” to find our house had been broken into. Luckily, the biggest thing stolen was a huge jar of loose change. Unluckily, the only other thing stolen was Thing 1’s piggy bank. Which contained $100. Which she received from relatives as an elementary school graduation gift.
  3. In the mail pile that collected during said “vacation,” I received a jury duty notice. All I’ll say is that on August 17, someone in the criminal justice system may be very sorry our state didn’t do away with capital punishment.
  4. Speaking of death, our dog Murphy is apparently suicidal. Last month, he ate a bowl of grapes. Yesterday, because our Lab abhors subtly, he chowed down a block of rat poison. I happened along shortly after both incidents and did what I do best – made him puke his ever-loving guts out. It’s a talent.

The list goes on but I’m depressing myself. Maybe I’ll detail it more online (I will most definitely give you the scoop in person if you buy me a beer because I’m just a loose-lipped harlot for the hops as you know), but as of right now I need a little happy in my life and if it can’t be me, why not one of you. Hence:


A brilliant PR company (i.e., one that actually read my blog and put a few things together) has offered to let me give one lucky reader

Lake Compounce amusement park
in Bristol, Connecticut

Lake Compounce is the oldest continuously operating amusement park in North America, having started in 1846. (I know you folks are used to my typos, but I did really type one-eight-four-six.)


It is home to Boulder Dash, which has been voted the world’s No. 1 wooden roller coaster and is liked even by the stodgy New York Times. Lake Compounce even has Connecticut’s largest water park (no, not Long Island Sound -- we have to share that with, you know, Lawn Guylanders).

The park is a gem from what I hear from friends and I’ve read online.

That’s right. I’ve never been.

Not that I didn’t want to go and give you a firsthand review.

I tried to go last week with the Things and My Love and the four free tickets the PR folks gave me to use, but 30 minutes sitting in a traffic accident on I-84 made me turn back.

And yes, you may add that to the list.

Anyway, here’s da rules:

  • Leave a comment by 8 a.m., Friday, July 15. Any comment will do. I’m easy. Duh. (If you want to comment, but don’t live any where near Bristol or don’t want tickets, just say so.)
  • Include a working email address when you fill out the comment form so I can contact you if you win.
  • Be a citizen of Earth. So unless you are Michele Bachmann or Rick Santorum, you qualify.

I’ll pretend to give an extra entry if you like the “Always Home and Uncool” Facebook page, which occasionally includes bonus photos, links, bon mots and extra moanin’ and a-bitchin’ from me.

One winner will be picked at random. As will my nose.


  1. I want free tickets, (please) didn't realize you lived so close. Now I am trying to remember the accident on I-84 hmmm. I am sorry about your house,your dog, and your kid leaving all the fun things on the airport train. Big time bummer.

  2. I am not Michele Bachmann. I love wooden coasters! Pick me!

  3. PIck me! Pick me!

    I'll even let you pick my nose at random if you wish. :)

  4. While the coasters may get the most attention, Lake Compounce's water park is where it's at on a hot summer day. You should try going again! It's clean, it's beautiful, it's chlorinated. Prepare to spend 2x as much time there as you budget. It's a screaming deal and a great time.

  5. I used to live right on Camp Street on the Bristol/Plainville line. I could spit to Farmington when the wind blew to the NE. I've been stuck on I-84 so many times, I don't ever want to enter CT again unless I fly into Bradley. Even then, I'm staying on back roads all the way through to my destination.

    Sorry your world looks kinda bleak right now. At least you've got your looks.

  6. You know, people have told us that Harborside Pizza is the best amusement park pizza around...

    Just saying.

  7. I would like to know who breaks into a house and takes only things that will hurt kids feelings. Also, I have Thing 2's Nintendo. Muuuwwaahahahaha.

  8. Misery, here is some company: A rainy Friday stuck 3 plus hours on I-95 in Jersy headed to Newark Airport. Flight delayed 'til 1:35 AM. Horrible movie. No peanuts. No sleep for kids. Expected to see Twilight Zone man through rain on wing.

    PS. I only come here for your bod.

  9. My son has a season pass to Cedar Point, so he'd really love this prize, but I don't think I'd let him drive that far with a 7 month old license.

    My sympathies on the jury duty. Seems to be going around.

  10. Don't pick me. I'm appalled that the NYT picked anything in CT. I thought they hate everything about that state! Sure hope you get back to feeling more amusing and less miserable!

  11. I live by I-84 so have spent a fair amount of time in that traffic. I hope things get better soon. I can't believe anyone would steal a child's piggy bank. What an asshat. I guess I have to leave my email address since there is no place to enter it here:

  12. I would appreciate it if you just pick me and send those tix right on up Rte 8. Kthxbai

  13. Oiiii! Traffic Booster! Thank you. :D
    Life's bad. I know. Mah English papers not out yet. I got a perfect score in Biology today though. But other than that life's bad, yeah, yeah. Hope it gets better, for you, me and everyone else.
    I cannot visit that park unless you give me free plane tickets too. I'm a citizen of earth, though. And I think you're being unfair to aliens.
    Hope the next few days will be better for everyone than the last few days were. Let some miniscule step towards world peace be taken. Let some darkened soul see the light. That could make my day.

  14. and I forgot, I have my summer break in late May-early June. It's a break for break's sake. The summer hear doesn't get any better after the break. It's on well into August. Technically it's monsoon starting June cuz the rains come, but it's still hot as hell. Worse, actuall, cuz of the humidity. So simple purging, not purging during summer break.

  15. Oh wow. I wish I could buy you a beer. What a horrible week. :(

  16. Sorry about all the suck Kevin. If I win this contest, can I give you the tickets? Is that against the rules?

    Anyway, I understand about Seattle. I know how those things go. Maybe next time we can touch bases.

    Glad you enjoyed Safeco. It really is a great park.

  17. A break in ? That sucks! Sorry to hear about that...

  18. Aw, your comment about Michele Bachmann and Rick Sucktorum made me smile. You're definitely an all right guy after all.

    I'm playing catch-up again! Hope things are going well with the wifey looking for a job. (My hubs is now working 2 of them. Can we say "HolyshitI'mnowathomewiththosekids7daysaweekallllbymyyyyself!"?)
    Oh..and I cracked up the other day to see that FB thinks we'd make great friends. Not your fan page...YOU. I thought to myself "Damn, self! How did FB know Uncool loves you so much?" (kidding...sort of)
    You'd better go kick FB's ass before it suggests you to other weirdos like me ;).



I try to reply to all comments. To receive a reply email, make sure the comment ID you use contains your email address AND click the "Subscribe by email" link before you publish your comment.

Otherwise, you'll need to check back here for my reply.

REMEMBER: You're at your sexiest when you comment.

My Uncool Past