Friday, October 23, 2009

The Sex Vacuum

I'm firing the people who clean our house. Apparently, they're killing my sex life.

The Wall Street Journal, known internationally as the Masters and Johnson of financial reporting and research, wrote this week about a study that finds the more housework husbands and wives do, the more likely they are to have sex.
sex vacuum

Sex with each other, I should note. Cybersex, actual physical affairs and going solo were not mentioned, so I can only assume that when one spouse scrubs the shower grout, even if it is with some Bon Ami, that the other spouse is the sole beneficiary of said scrubbing.

After reading this, I thought back to the time when My Love and I did all the housework. It was when we first moved in together, living in sin and overly indulging in it as young people in the throes of new love tend to do. We spent every weekend at our townhouse dusting away the cobwebs, waxing the linoleum and polishing the knobs …

Then we did the housework.

Sometime after the first month of this cleansing yet apparently dirty bliss, I recall My Love -- the Febreeze blowing through her hair -- moaning longingly into a starlit summer evening, "Oh, baby ... screw this. I'm hiring a service."

Had I known then what I know now!

Was it me that drove her away?

She had always criticized my haphazard folding of the laundry back then, but I laughed at it.

"If you don’t like how I do it, then you can do it yourself," I scoffed.

So she did. For a while.

But we know the pleasure of folding by one's self is fleeting. That's when My Love went outside our relationship.

She hired a 300-pound, cigarette-smoking, former addict and single mom whose beefy biceps could have crushed my windpipe before you said "lemony-fresh Pledge." Every Thursday morning, she came to our condo and every Thursday afternoon, she left the place gleaming and spotless.

And, in retrospect, nookie-free.

Our love life has clearly waned in the quantity department since those lust-filled days of Pine-Sol and Easy Off. My mission, therefore, is clear: 

Every weekend, participate in the dirtiest, wettest ménage à trois ever -- just me, My Love and Mr. Clean.

(Note: Illustration by Michael Witte for the Wall Street Journal)


  1. I call BS; we don't have cleaning people and ain't nobody gettin' none in this house.

  2. Damn, that was almost too much to bear...or bare.
    Or whatevs...

  3. don't ever breathe a word of this study to my husband, you hear??

  4. hahahahha. They forgot to mention that, like in my case, when the wife does ALL the housework, there is absolutely NO sex in the household because she is so exhausted, resentful and bitter.

    I think that a maid can only improve matters, lol.

  5. I can vouch for the legitimacy of that study. We have no cleaning lady, and nookie reigns . . .

  6. "The more housework the husband does, the more likely the wife is to have sex."

    I agree. Just sayin'.

  7. Well you know, I'm not married, and I currently don't have a beau. I have been cleaning up a storm though.

    (That reminds me ... where did I put those batteries?)

    My mind digresses. Yup I agree ... time to fire the housemaids.

    ORRRRRR ... you could just pick ONE chore to do together, and have the best of both worlds.

  8. So let me get this straight. Hire cleaning lady you get no nookie? No cleaning lady you get nookie? I have cleaning lady and still get lots of nookie...hmmmm.

  9. this explains everything - men are clearly turned on by dishpan hands and blue water swirling in a tidy bowl.

  10. Oh Honey, let me polish your....

    Aloha, Friend!

    Comfort Spiral

  11. There is not a lack of sex here...but then again I know which cobwebs NEED to be cleaned ...and which ones can be left for later

  12. After i stop laughing, I may think about hiring a maid, never thought of it that way, but maybe it would have me looking all the time (I am single)!

  13. This is hysterical. There is seemingly no limit to what study or other you guys can find to 'splain why you aren't getting enough! Embrace your memories.

  14. I also saw a study that said that the more couples talk together the more they have sex. What the hell? Talking while cleaning house? "Hey honey," you say, as you wipe down the toilet seat with eco-friendly lemon spray. "Want to plunge my pipes?"

  15. Your maid is similar in physique to Berta on the sitcom
    "Two-and-a-half Men."

  16. Maybe there is a correlation between the number of years you are married, number of offspring you have and when you finally hire a cleaning service. Maybe that's something the WSJ didn't think about.

  17. I had a cleaning lady for several years until I decided to do it myself. I hate housework. To tell you the truth I wasn't getting any before and I'm not getting any now. Hmmm, I think I'm doing something wrong. Excellent find on the research though ;-)

  18. Hmmmm, maybe I'll try to the cleaning service so we can be THAT statistic..You know, the one that blows the curve. No one's getting any in this house and we do all the cleaning ourselves.

    Besides, WSJ? How many rich people clean their own homes???

  19. I hired a cleaning service. Now I miss my Dyson.

  20. Hmm. I hope The Wallet reads this. Maybe it'll inspire him to take out the garbage once in awhile.

  21. I assure you, if I had a cleaning service, I'd be so gleeful I'd be showing my appreciation in a multitude of dirty ways. So very dirty. In my very clean house. Hell, I'd even buy a French maid outfit. I don't do windows, but I DO do...

    I'll stop before there's any waxy yellow buildup.

  22. That is freakin' hilarious.

    So if I don't want to put out, I should just leave the house dirty? ;)


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