If you read my post at DadCentric Tuesday, you know that I overexerted myself a bit the other week at my kids' soccer practices. (If you didn't read it, click over to "Kids are a Pain" now. I'll wait.)
The irony of this is that I'm not supposed to be coaching soccer at all this season. I was blacklisted by the league.
My crime? Verbal abuse of the referees? Climbing into the stands to hit a parent? Putting steroids in the halftime juice boxes?
Nope. I had a few choice exchanges with the league's directors last year and I used some inappropriate words.
They were "50 percent refund."
Three of the seven games my daughter's team played one season were won by forfeit because the other team didn't have enough players show. The eighth game, for the championship, was canceled because the league assigned someone else to our field. So, being the accountant's son that I am, I asked the league to give my team's parents half their money back.
I e-mailed them three times with my request before someone finally responded. That was only after I might have casually mentioned calling the city parks department and team sponsors about reconsidering their support for the league.
Anyway, six minutes after I hit the "send" button on the third missive, my phone rang.
It was an enlightening discussion that went something like this:
LEAGUE BIGWIG: We don't refund money to players. They're children.
ME: Good thing. They'd probably spend it on cheap whiskey, angel dust and chicken nuggets. That's why I requested you refund my players' parents. It's in the e-mail. All three of them.
LEAGUE BIGWIG: You said your last game was a playoff. That age bracket isn't supposed to have playoffs.
ME: I don't care what you call it. It was a game on the schedule you gave us that wasn't played because of your scheduling mistake.
LEAGUE BIGWIG: But it wasn't a playoff. That league is not supposed to have playoffs.
ME: Whatever. I had one parent cut a weekend trip short to bring their kid to a game that didn't occur because a schedule you issued us three months ago was wrong.
LEAGUE BIGWIG: But it wasn't a playoff.
My favorite part of this whole conversation (apart from some inevitable cussing on my part because, alas, I can only stand so much stupid) was being lectured about this being a not-for-profit league run by volunteers and the importance of being involved, not just as a mere coach of two teams (as I was) but as a league commissioner, an executive director or eventually the head of ACORN.
This came right before Bigwig told me I was NOT invited to attend the board meeting at which my request was being discussed.
I volunteered to show up anyway. He couldn't see the irony past his iron fist.
As expected, my request was denied. So, I let it drop and moved on, coaching two teams for another season without incident.
Then, when the league issued its autumn rosters, the Things received their team assignments but I was not a coach for either team even though I volunteered (remember that word) to run one team and assist with the other.
I figured maybe they actually had enough coaches, though that would have been a first in my two years in the league. Call me skeptical. I made a few calls just to be sure.
"Man, I didn't want to tell you this," said my assistant from a previous season. "They called me and drafted me to run a team. I told them I was only planning on being your assistant again this year. Then they said you weren't being allowed to coach a team this year because of some incident you had over the winter."
My response to this. I volunteered. Directly -- to both my kids' coaches. They both welcomed the added help. In fact, I "officially" was promoted to co-coach of one team because the other coach travels for business frequently.
Part of my new coaching duties is to introduce myself to the refs before every game, make small talk with them and compliment their outstanding officiating skills. By doing this, they always come to me when the game ends and hand me a special slip of paper.
It's their pay sheet for the league.
I make certain I print and sign my name in very large, legible bold letters.
My Uncool Past
- ► 2014 (16)
- ► 2013 (30)
- ► 2012 (61)
- ► 2011 (57)
- ► 2010 (100)
- Why I Won't Sleep Much Halloween Night
- Conditions May Be Slippery
- Lost in Translation
- The Sex Vacuum
- Tuesday To Do List
- New Low in Pediatric Dental Care
- Do Me a Solid Sunday - Stamp Out Cancer, Swirl Gir...
- What Me, Blacklisted?
- Presents from Strangers
- To Cure Juvenile Myositis, You Must First Know It ...
- Happy Birthday / Cure JM Awareness Day
- ▼ October (11)