Friday, June 27, 2008

To My Love, On the 11th Anniversary of Our First Night of Unprotected Relations

Disaster always loomed nearby 11 years ago.

I chewed out my mother for meddling at the rehearsal. A rehearsal at which neither the priest nor the hotel manager bothered to attend.

Security kicked me and a groomsmen out for trying to bring cases of beer upstairs for the after-party. We ended up sneaking it in via duffle bags and borrowed luggage.

Twenty minutes before the ceremony, I was speeding across town in search of where the frick I left the marriage license. It was in the trunk of my old beige Accord the whole time.

The ring stuck on a knuckle halfway down your finger. The priest chided me for giving up too easily.

But we made it. Eleven years, eight jobs, four cars, three homes, two time zones, two dogs and two kids later. Can we take the night off?

My Love -- you are the Fiber One in the wide, yet shallow cereal bowl that is my existence and, now that I am 40, you know how important being regular is to me.

OK, that wasn't my best metaphor ever. But jeez, the Things are out of school now and just bouncing off the walls. Every five minutes, it's a new crime against humanity. He's bothering me, she's hitting me, I want to watch my show, I want to go to the pool, we're bored, can I have a snack, I want more Pokemon cards, she took my Pokemon cards, he won't let me look at his Pokemon cards, the bathroom smells funny, the dog took my Webkinz, what's a penis, and on and on and on.

Maybe you should just work late tonight, dear. It's definitely safer out there.

So let me try again. My Love -- there's one idiot in this village, and I guess it isn't you.

And now, a present. I know this isn't our actual wedding song, but I couldn't find a version of "Wake Up (Next to You)" on YouTube, even if it was Graham Parker's only hit single. So instead, I offer you another tune of his. It is one you rejected for the big day, but it holds a lot more meaning now.

So, next time you are far from home, as you so often are, remember:

When the world’s asleep and there’s no one in your arms,
Raindrops hit the window like distant alarms.
You don’t have to worry; hey, girl, don’t you cry.
My love beats adversity, baby -- eats it alive.

Happy anniversary. I love you.

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  1. That's one lucky lady.

  2. That is WONDERFUL!

    Happy Anniversary!

  3. Awww. that is sweet. For reals.

    And, I actually quite liked your bit of writing trickery with the Fiber One metaphor. I would rank that up there close to "ramp cock".

  4. You're all very kind.

    X & Lizzy - Welcome to my little yard. Kick off your shoes and feel the grass between your toes.

  5. Since we "met" when the Stud was outed for turning 40 -- and whoa, what a weird set of coincidences ensued, I feel so delighted to share in this anniversary. Lovely, intimate, and lovely. Congratulations!

  6. Way to Man Up, H&U. Putting it out there, letting your lady know how truly f'd up being in love still makes you after 11 years is alright.

  7. happy anniversary.

    and being is important! here's to many more regular years!

  8. Coming out of lurking mode to wish you and your wife a happy anniversary. That is a sweet post.

  9. This is great! There's a chance I've taken notes on this post and scattered them randomly for my husband to be inspired by for our anniversary(especially that Fiber One part, because mmmm...Fiber One - at least those chewy granola bars...). Nearly 14 years in, the man needs a little something!

    (Thanks for your comment on my post at Cynical Dad. I look forward to hanging out here.)

  10. Happy Anniversary to you both!

    But I have an important bone to pick: why a beige Accord? Why not something cooler? I mean, it's an Accord, after all, and while I certainly respect the practical, sensible choice of car, but you gotta go for something bolder in color.

    What's your excuse? Go on, let's hear it.

  11. I've determined that all my future posts will mention my panic attacks and love of Fiber One (aka poop sticks) because, by far, these seem to be the topics that you most react to.

    LiteralDan - I wanted black, but it was only available with a white interior. That would have stayed clean for about 23 minutes. I ended up buying the beige Accord (it was technically "Seattle Silver" but no one believed me) when I got out of college ... and moved back into my parents house. See, I have been Always Home and Uncool since the start, my man.

  12. Sob! This is beautiful!

    Happy Anniversary!


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My Uncool Past