Friday, June 20, 2008

I'm the King of My Castle (When You're Not Around)

My Love arrives home tonight after a week of trying to convince the Germans that snack foods fortified olestra are not retribution for past crimes against humanity. She's that good. However, the big news is that this is her last scheduled solo trip until autumn.

The Things are happy.

Poopy Pup's tail is a-waggin'.

I'm, I'm … I'm rapidly feeling my power slip away.

What? But you’re the man?! King of the castle! Lord of the roost! Cock of the walk!

Uh, yeah. If you want to live that delusion at least do it while envisioning me looking a lot more like a shirtless Brad Pitt, lounging about on my red velvet winged back chair, a frosty 4-to-1 Bombay Sapphire martini (up with a twist) in my hand. Now, Angelina slinks across the room. Her pregnant belly is ripe with my seed, long legs stretching out from between the slits in her silky bla- …

Whoa. Gotta stop that before her limo pulls in.

It's not that we do things much differently when My Love's not here. It's ravioli or pirogues for dinner at least once a week (My Love has some freaky mushy food gag reflex -- great at parties, I might add). The Things get to lay around on the marital bed and hear me curse Carlos Beltran taking another third strike until their Skittles-high wears off and they crash land. Mac-n-cheese stained dishes sometimes go extra crusty in the sink -- no, wait, that happens when she is home.

It's just nice being the sole, unquestioned authority in a world where the most serious issue is who gets to sleep in the middle while mommy's away and whether all the carrots must be eaten before dessert is served. That won't be the case when their teenagers, so I'm trying to absorb as much as possible now.

But, ultimately, the at-home Dad gig can be a lonely double-edged sword when she's gone.

Uh-oh. Plane exiting international waters. Feeling control … slippin' … away … aaaaaaaah

Video: The Milt Show, "The Man Song"
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  1. At least here in the safe havens of the internets, you are unquestionably lord of your own manor.

    Nice try with the photo, though. For a moment, I almost thought that was really you! Um, except, not so much.

  2. Lord knows I'm not the master of my domain.

    I thought about Photoshoping my head on the pic, but I'll leave that to professionals like you.

  3. Enjoy all of your time together. My hubby used to travel a lot with his old job and while it sucked getting used to it, I wasn't quite sure what to do once he wasn't traveling 3 weeks out of the month anymore.

    Here's to veggies for dinner and foods that don't make anyone gag. I'll save a Fat Tire for you.(But only one. Two if you're nice to me.)

  4. Hee hee. Reminds me of my favorite quote from My Big Fat Greek Wedding- "In Greek family, the man is head of the house, but the woman... she is the neck"

  5. At least you know your rank. LOL!!

  6. Your kids seem like good company, though!

  7. Dude you better get over to my blog & get yourself a BHJ T-Shirt before your wife takes back your allowance.

  8. among my readers you are certainly king of the castle (or at least of fairfield county) if that makes you feel any better!

  9. This is where a dog comes in handy. At least to the dog you are still an unquestioned authority. In theory, at least. Until said dog poops on the rug.

  10. dude: the Stud leaves for a week (or more) tomorrow.

    I RULE!

    (It sucks.)

  11. Wonderful blog post. Thanks for posting about it

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