Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Screw Soccer Moms. This is a Mannish-Boy Blood Sport.

Some fellow Suburban Sperm Donors and I recently filled the void left by a misguided local ban on cockfighting. All it took was a half dozen hopped-up 6-year-old boys, a muddy park, some soccer balls and the fact our wives didn't expect us home for at least another hour.

It started innocently. A midday rain scared off half the league's players (OK, it scared off their parents and -- yes -- I AM staring through this flat screen right at you, Manager Mom). A bunch of the coaches got together, combined their pitiful lot of attendees into one game, and started early in hopes of getting us out of the rainstorm and into a six of Sam Adams as soon possible. And I had doubted there was strategy involved in this game.

Halfway into the match, it stopped raining. The sun came out. Girls, their summer frocks rippling in the breeze, began serving highballs and canap├ęs while we hearty Sperm Donors cracked bons mots about the Dow (bathroom cleaners), our sporty foreign cars (Japanese minivans) and our palatial estates in the tropics (wormy rentals on the Jersey shore).

soccer cartoonWhen the "real" game ended, half the group dispersed. But some of the (6-year-old) boys decided they had enough Gatorade and PowerBars in their systems to play some more. Thing 2 was one of the them.

Who am I to deny him the chance to fit in before he starts his inevitable, long journey to the middle?

What ensued, friends, was magical, hysterical and frightening all at once. See, soccer for the post-Barney, pre-Snoop Dog crowd normally goes like this:

Ball goes left.


Ball squirts rights.


But this … this was steel-cage, death match 3-on-3. Actual passing. Dekeing. Elbows flying. Simulated leather smacking into runny noses. Boys in black knee socks doing bicycle kicks while signing autographs in mid-air. That last part was a lie. I'm not sure any of them can spell.

But there was lots of shouting. From the dads.

"Take him, Doug*, take the ball from him!"

"Be aggressive, Prescott*! Don’t let him pass you!"

"Stop crying, get up and go after the ball, Bruce*. Just shake it off."

"Go for his throat, Berton*, or so help me you will be back with the babies in pre-K on Monday!"

Thing 2, meanwhile, decided be goalie. His game plan was screaming in the most guttural but annoying tone possible any time the ball came near him.


"Hey, buddy," I said to him. "Why don't you get out of the goal and see what you can do upfield?"


"Dear Lord, my son is an idiot," I told Berton's dad.

Or is he?

The other kids scored only two goals on him. Thing 2's team scored seven. Plus, he walked away without a bloody nose (Doug) or a short-term future back with the Pampers set (sorry, Berton).

Maybe he understands that life is all about knowing where you best fit into the game.

HAAAAAAAW!! HAAAAAAW! WHOOOOO-HOOOOO-HOOOOO!! The little freak may beat his destiny yet.

* Names changed to match those of the members of The Knack for no apparent reason other than I felt like giving the band a shout. Plus, can you think of four worse names for blood-thirsty boys in florescent jerseys?
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  1. OK, you caught me. I take FULL responsibility for the family soccer boycott that day. The Boy had a slight cold, but I have soldiered him off to day care with far greater afflictions.

    And although he may be a wuss at dental appointments, he would have enjoyed sustaining injuries with the rest of the little soccer demons.

    Truth be told, my new, corporate drone haircut is way too short to be exposed to sustained levels of humidity. Twenty minutes down there and I would have been sporting a magnificently stupid looking Afro.

    And that would have made me look like Seth Rogen. I can't have that. You KNOW how important it is for me to be keeping up with the MILFs.

  2. But Seth Rogen does Katherine Heigl. That gettin' some of that something-something would definitely put you at the top of many a MILF list.

  3. So all they had to do is get rid of half the league's players to get a decent game going. They should do it!

  4. Daddy Blog of Year winner LiteralDan? On my site? Wow. Blackmail photos really work.

    Welcome aboard. The nuts are free, but you must BYOB.

  5. great. Something to look forward to this fall I guess..........

  6. Youth soccer, like comedy, is not pretty, TG. You are warned.

    Thanks for the comment. Help yourself to the dip.

  7. oh goody lordy: soccer dramz and the Knack? and a bloody nose?

  8. Ms P - I really hope you clicked the link and saw the photo for the Boys' boys.

    So is this interstate love triangle you, me and your hubby are having freakin' you out yet?

    Rest in peace, Bruce Gary. The little girls understand.

  9. Are the summer flocks sheep or goats?

    :) p.s. You're blog is funny. Adding you to my reader.

  10. Jess: Flocks? God, I stink. No wonder I can't get work in my choosen field. Spellcheck is the devil's crutch.

    Thanks for the add, despite my sloppy proofreading.

  11. Oh dear.

    Just wait until you have a crazy ass coach trying to relive her soccer career and she spends 3 hours straight teaching 9 year old girls how to shove.

    (did I just out myself?)

  12. Sue: Admitting your problem is the first step. Since I'm soccer impaired, I'm holding out until Little League before I beat down on Thing 2 for not revenging my own sports inadequacies.

    Thanks for dropping by. Grab a handful of chips and settle in.

  13. Having just finished the Spring Soccer season with my 8 and 9 year olds, I must say, this had me laughing my ass off. Your description of how 6 year olds play was so spot on. Good stuff, Maynard.

  14. Hmmm ... you either called me incredibly cool or a tool.

    Since I know I'm not the first, I'll choose the Makita AN922 22-Degree Round Head Framing Nailer.

    Welecome aboard. Let your shoes at the door and definitely try the brushetta.

  15. Wow. That was the sexiest digital snort. Ever.

    Thanks for joining us. The server will be bringing around mojitos presently.

  16. Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle.

  17. Feeling sense of simpatico with you b/c
    1) am also almost always home and uncool
    2) also have daughter who is a hanna montana wannabe
    3) love nothing better than to scream from the soccer sidelines, in fact coached peewee this spring
    4) was also featured on goodmom bad mom this week, which was how I found you- and am so glad I did. Will be adding you to my blogroll for a daily read.

  18. So YOUR that Mom. Glad that we're a safe distance apart. Thanks for stopping by, come again often and try the cheese dip. It rocks.


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