Monday, June 2, 2008

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions: At-home Dad Style

Much to my mother's chagrin, I owe much of my sense of humor to the usual gang of idiots at Mad Magazine. Imagine my reaction when I read this weekend that Al Jaffee, mastermind of back page fold-in, received a long overdue Reuben for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year from his peers at the National Cartoonist Society.


Where would I have been without Al Jaffee, Mort Drucker's movie and TV satires, Sergio Aragones' "Spy vs. Spy" tales, Don Martin's "Adventures of Captain Klutz" and the rest? Probably on my yacht in the Caribbean, counting the millions I made in a real profession.

But I'd be counting very, very dourly.

So, in tribute to one of Mr. Jaffe's most influential works in my life, here are some "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" about being an at-home dad:

Q. Do you miss going to an office every day?
A. Definitely, because nothing matches the thrill of sitting in rush-hour traffic.
A. Yes, I just can't seem to get enough exposure to florescent lighting on my own these days.
A. Sorry. I was too busy enjoying life to hear what you said.

Q. Does it bother you that your wife is the family breadwinner?
A. Of course, it does. I graduated with a degree in journalism specifically because the field offered such lucrative earning potential.
A. Well, it is completely throwing off my plans of living off welfare and food stamps.
A. I have a wife?

Q. Do you must miss interacting with other people every day?
A. The telemarketers fill the void, assuming you stretch the definition of "people."
A. Like a Greenwich trophy wife misses her wrinkles and saggy breasts.
A. With a credit card and an Internet connection, I interact all I like for $3.99 a minute.

Q. You must love doing housework?
A. Yes, especially in stilettos and a frilly French maid outfit.
A. Have you seen my house?
A. Yes, and if I don't get a hit of Pledge, Windex and Clorox fumes soon, I'm going to go postal on your ass.

Q. Your children must enjoy having you around all the time?
A. Those aren't my children. I rented them from a real working couple.
A. I have a court order here that says differently.
A. Shhh, they'll find me.

Q. Do the mothers look at you strangely when you show up to your children's events during the school day?
A. Strangely? No. Lustily? Yes.
A. Only when I forget my pants.
A. It's jealousy over how much better I fill out my sundress.

Q. Does being an at-home dad make you feel like less of man?
A. Yes, but I make up for it in beer consumption and poor hygiene.
A. No. Do you feel like more of a jerk for asking?
A. Yes … yes, it does. Excuse me, I need to cry now.
A. Not after I restore the balance by opening this can of whoop-ass on you.
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  1. Hey.. what size is that french maid outfit? Maybe I can get my husband to.... uhm.. never mind LOL.. Great post!

  2. If you had wanted to REALLY rake in the big bucks you would have majored in English instead of Journalism, like my husband.

    My own father pointed out, "What use does the corporate world have for people who have to major in their native language? And MD married me anyway...

  3. "Open up a can of Whoopass". Classic!

  4. Nikki! You made it!

    Can one of your British colleagues give me the UK equivalent to "open a can of whoop-ass"? I'm trying to go bilingual.

  5. What do you do when the Jehovah's Witnesses show up at your door? Any tips are appreciated.

  6. Honestly, I drop to the floor and try to turn invisible.

    If I do happen to open the door, and they ask: "Can I share the word of our Lord with you?" Try:

    A. "Only if I can share these crabs with you. Man, they itch."
    A. "Let me get my handgun first."
    A. "Sorry, I don't need any more Thin Mints this year."

  7. I was hoping you'd say that you quick-change in the linen closet into your French maid uniform (complete with fishnet hose and garter belt), feather duster in hand, before you open the door. I think a three-day growth of stubble aids the ashion statement.

    Myself, I like to rub Vaseline in my hair, put my pajamas on backwards and inside out, and grab my half-empty bottle of Grey Goose from the freezer.

    I'm told if you tell them you're a Wiccan or a Mormon, they disappear like smoke on a windy day.

  8. I asked around...
    The closest translation is "Thump".
    So instead of saying "I'm about to open up a can of whoopass."
    You could say, "I'm about to thump you in a minute." Doesn't sound very threatening, does it? Well - you must see a video of a thumping. Hopefully i can post the link. It looks like a bunch of drunken street thugs, but it is actually John Prescott, Tony Blair's former Deputy Prime Minister!!! A while back, he had to thump a guy who hit him with an egg. So if the link doesn't work, type "John Prescott Punch" into YouTube for a good thumping. Cheers. Nikki:)

  9. That thumping, the regular get-togther between Parliment and the PM for their own version of Snapy Answers to Stupid Questions, and real ale are why I love the UK so. Thanks, Nikki!

  10. Hilarious!

    I'll ask my brother about the UK equivalent of "Whoopass". I seem to remember something about "bovver boots" but there may be a more au courant term for thumping someone.

  11. For JW's I usually try a language thats not common in these parts like Sprenksie Deutch? or Howdy Ya'' with a long drawn out pause, "kin I git ya'll a beer?"


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