My Little Diva

"Sara and I aren't friends with Mindy anymore."

"Why?"

"She said Sara and I are divas."

"Do you know what a diva is?"

"No."

"Then how can you be upset with her if you don't what she's calling you? I showed you where the dictionary is. You know how to Google. Jeez, you're 8, get on the stick."

"Diva sounds bad."

"She could be calling you a great opera singer. That'd be a compliment. But I've heard you on the karaoke machine and I doubt this. You're flat. Very flat. Especially on 'See You Again.' Sometimes out of pitch, too. Are your ears clogged again? Do I need to get the squeegee bulb and acid? Do you want singing lessons?"

"No."

"Good because I can't afford them. Your addiction to Target, American Girl dolls and malt liquor are tapping me out. See, your dear stay-at-home Dad is a semi-employed writer, which is the same as a being an unemployed writer but without the principles or romantic aura. If I didn't know how to operate the TiVo, fix the computer and run the washing machine, Mom would kick us both out."

"Huh?"

"I think when Mindy called you a diva, she means you're a bit spoiled. You and Sara have lots of toys and clothes, and you bring them into school, show them off and kinda of rub them in the other kids' faces. You don't want to be rubbing things in other people's faces for a living."

"I don't."

"Even if you don't, just having all that stuff at school gives other kids the idea that you are. Not everyone is lucky to have a human resources MILF goddess of a Mom who makes enough to afford my taste in microbrews and your tastes in all things Disney Channel. Some of your friends probably think you get everything you want and they are upset and a little jealous that they don't."

"I don't get everything I want!"

"Yeah. Like what?"

"I want a Nintendo DS and I don't have one."

"That's because you aren't reading at grade level yet. Our deal last year was once you finally reach the proficient grade level, you'd get a DS as a reward. That's called incentive. But, girlfriend, you have been on a long walk to the short bus. You need to step it up."

"I know …"

"Good. No crusts on this toast, right."

"Yep. Butter it out all the way to the edges."

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