Monday, June 16, 2008

My Little Diva

"Sara and I aren't friends with Mindy anymore."


"She said Sara and I are divas."

"Do you know what a diva is?"


"Then how can you be upset with her if you don't what she's calling you? I showed you where the dictionary is. You know how to Google. Jeez, you're 8, get on the stick."

"Diva sounds bad."

"She could be calling you a great opera singer. That'd be a compliment. But I've heard you on the karaoke machine and I doubt this. You're flat. Very flat. Especially on 'See You Again.' Sometimes out of pitch, too. Are your ears clogged again? Do I need to get the squeegee bulb and acid? Do you want singing lessons?"


"Good because I can't afford them. Your addiction to Target, American Girl dolls and malt liquor are tapping me out. See, your dear stay-at-home Dad is a semi-employed writer, which is the same as a being an unemployed writer but without the principles or romantic aura. If I didn't know how to operate the TiVo, fix the computer and run the washing machine, Mom would kick us both out."


"I think when Mindy called you a diva, she means you're a bit spoiled. You and Sara have lots of toys and clothes, and you bring them into school, show them off and kinda of rub them in the other kids' faces. You don't want to be rubbing things in other people's faces for a living."

"I don't."

"Even if you don't, just having all that stuff at school gives other kids the idea that you are. Not everyone is lucky to have a human resources MILF goddess of a Mom who makes enough to afford my taste in microbrews and your tastes in all things Disney Channel. Some of your friends probably think you get everything you want and they are upset and a little jealous that they don't."

"I don't get everything I want!"

"Yeah. Like what?"

"I want a Nintendo DS and I don't have one."

"That's because you aren't reading at grade level yet. Our deal last year was once you finally reach the proficient grade level, you'd get a DS as a reward. That's called incentive. But, girlfriend, you have been on a long walk to the short bus. You need to step it up."

"I know …"

"Good. No crusts on this toast, right."

"Yep. Butter it out all the way to the edges."

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  1. Oh my goodness. I can't tell you how much this made me laugh. You totally talk to your kids the way I do. My 8 year old will sometimes just look at me and go "nevermind" and try to leave the room.

    ah.. but I don't let him get away... no sir-ee.

  2. so i'm trying to beat my kids off with a (proverbial) stick right now, because I hate this hour, and I am laughing and saying leave me alone all in the same breath. they think I am a diva for sure, but who cares?

    this is some funny funny shit, digitally enhanced or not, and has completely given me the smile I need to kick those short-bus kids into bed with a cheery, "later gators!"

  3. This is so sweet:)

  4. oh yeah. how did the meeting of the bloggers go on the 13th?

  5. Great deal you made on the DS. I'm making a similar deal on a Wii.

  6. This was totally funny. Your reference to the short bus brought it home.

  7. I LOVE IT!! This is how all the discussions here with my 4 year old go. (But I use a lot more swear words, and I don't think that he understands all that much.) But what the hell, it keeps it interesting for me. AND IT IS ALL ABOUT ME, RIGHT?!?!

  8. All right. I have to call you on a BS. I have met your daughter and seen her having dinner, and she DOES NOT like the malt liquor. She was enjoying a fine 20-year single malt when I saw her.

  9. Nikki - Many beers were had by all, except Manager Mom who is a wino. It was a lot a fun and we surprised each other with how normal we really are.

    Amy & MommaS - Welcome to the carnival. The kettle corn is fresh and hot, but don't let that stop you. Dive in!

    MM - And I thought you were going to call me on the gratutious MILF reference.

  10. My wife is a total HR MILF too! Sweet! HR wives rule and tankfully for us, pay well.


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