Sunday, June 22, 2008

"Stick Out Your Can …"

sanford and son signNot only does Craigslist allow me to foist my useless crap unto others for small, nontaxable sums (further justification for maintaining my at-home Dad status - I'm the Fred Sanford of daddy bloggers), but it also presents a great challenge to me as a "writer." For how does one make my useless crap sound essential and life altering enough that some wise soul would not only buy it, but also be willing to drive to my house, hand me the cash and haul it away?

I thought I finally wrote my Craigslist masterpiece with this one for two wobbly barstools:

"They make your bottom comfy when the conversation is not. They swivel so you don't need alcohol to make the whole room pivot around you. Dimensions: 3 ft high (2 ft from seat to floor), 18-in wide. Black metal frame. Seat padding is red and gold. Really, a good deal that your tush deserves."

I was shocked that it took me 10 days to unload them. Including a phone number or e-mail address during that first week of posting might have hastened things along.

Still, my favorite part of Craigslist is checking out the writing gigs. Usually, 15 out of 16 offer no pay, no benefits and nothing beyond clips for dimeadozenpseudohipzineforposuers.com. (Note to self: Update resume.)

Now, the 16th gig is usually for pay. Good pay. It also usually requires reviewing male-on-male porn.

adam bernard and catFellow blogger Adam Bernard, under the influence of many a Guinness, recently suggested that this could be my calling.

"Think of the niche -- the first married, straight father to write gay porn reviews online for a living," said Adam. His own niche is being a very white, bespectacled, suburb-dwelling, cat-owning, Mets-loving … hip-hop music journalist. Simply, he's a genius bundle of contradictions in a "Hogan Family" T-shirt. I'd marry him, but that would throw off my entire marketing plan.

Yes, I am giving Adam B's idea deep, deep consideration. I can imagine my future appearances at school Career Days now.

"Now, Thing 2's dad, Mr. Uncool, will talk about his work. So, what do you do, Mr. Uncool?"

"Boys and girls, have you ever seen one male dog hop on the back of another male dog? Well, imagine that scenario but with two oiled-up beefcakes, a bottle of butterscotch Magic Shell and a popping bass and wah-wah pedal soundtrack …"
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10 comments:

  1. I've actually sent in resumes for a few of those CraigsList writing jobs.

    Not the gay male porn ones, I hasten to add. I consider myself supremely unqualified for that gig. But I've tried and failed to get gigs as romance column headline writer and various other low paying and crazy stuff. Most of the time I never even got a reply.

    Does that make me a loser with a Capital L? Wait - don't answer that!

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  2. I am going to have that damn theme music in my head ALL NIGHT.

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  3. Ha ha, go for it AlwaysHomeDad!! I think there's money to be made there..

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  4. Oh I love Craigslist. But more for finding that baby grand piano I've been lusting after.

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  5. We need one more contradiction thrown in there - the Hogan Family t-shirt came from an underground Hip-Hop label in Philly:

    KRU Records

    Thanks for the props!

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  6. Now that's a career day speech that I'd like to hear.

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  7. You folks are the best support group a married, straight father who writes gay porn reviews could have. Thank Adam, he's the drunk behind this.

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  8. Strangely enough, those were the ramblings of a SOBER Adam B.

    As one of my buddies is fond of pointing out, "you know how taste-wise most people have a line they know not to cross when telling jokes, you love trampling over that line."

    I am from the Jim Norton school of "if it's funny I'll say it."

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  9. You sick, sick, bastard. Ever read Acorn King's craigslist stories? Awesome.

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