Not only does Craigslist allow me to foist my useless crap unto others for small, nontaxable sums (further justification for maintaining my at-home Dad status - I'm the Fred Sanford of daddy bloggers), but it also presents a great challenge to me as a "writer." For how does one make my useless crap sound essential and life altering enough that some wise soul would not only buy it, but also be willing to drive to my house, hand me the cash and haul it away?
I thought I finally wrote my Craigslist masterpiece with this one for two wobbly barstools:
"They make your bottom comfy when the conversation is not. They swivel so you don't need alcohol to make the whole room pivot around you. Dimensions: 3 ft high (2 ft from seat to floor), 18-in wide. Black metal frame. Seat padding is red and gold. Really, a good deal that your tush deserves."
I was shocked that it took me 10 days to unload them. Including a phone number or e-mail address during that first week of posting might have hastened things along.
Still, my favorite part of Craigslist is checking out the writing gigs. Usually, 15 out of 16 offer no pay, no benefits and nothing beyond clips for dimeadozenpseudohipzineforposuers.com. (Note to self: Update resume.)
Now, the 16th gig is usually for pay. Good pay. It also usually requires reviewing male-on-male porn.
Fellow blogger Adam Bernard, under the influence of many a Guinness, recently suggested that this could be my calling.
"Think of the niche -- the first married, straight father to write gay porn reviews online for a living," said Adam. His own niche is being a very white, bespectacled, suburb-dwelling, cat-owning, Mets-loving … hip-hop music journalist. Simply, he's a genius bundle of contradictions in a "Hogan Family" T-shirt. I'd marry him, but that would throw off my entire marketing plan.
Yes, I am giving Adam B's idea deep, deep consideration. I can imagine my future appearances at school Career Days now.
"Now, Thing 2's dad, Mr. Uncool, will talk about his work. So, what do you do, Mr. Uncool?"
"Boys and girls, have you ever seen one male dog hop on the back of another male dog? Well, imagine that scenario but with two oiled-up beefcakes, a bottle of butterscotch Magic Shell and a popping bass and wah-wah pedal soundtrack …"
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My Uncool Past
- ► 2014 (16)
- ► 2013 (30)
- ► 2012 (61)
- ► 2011 (57)
- ► 2010 (100)
- ► 2009 (87)
- Father, Thy Name is Dork
- To My Love, On the 11th Anniversary of Our First N...
- The Day I Disowned My Daughter
- George Carlin: Comic Genius, Mets Fan
- Ever Get The Feeling You've Been Cheated?
- Party of One at DadCentric.com
- "Stick Out Your Can …"
- I'm the King of My Castle (When You're Not Around)...
- Brief Interlude - Don't Run Yet!
- Summing It Up in a Simple Six
- It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
- My Little Diva
- Happy Father's Day and Thanks for Not Kicking My A...
- Progress Among Modern 6-Year-Old Boys
- Chew on This, Pal
- For Father's Day, all I want you to do is give it,...
- Life is a carnival -- believe it or not
- I got a desk full of papers that mean nothing at a...
- Screw Soccer Moms. This is a Mannish-Boy Blood Spo...
- Invading the land of estrogen and mommy talk
- Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions: At-home Dad St...
- ▼ June (21)